that girl you met wasn't me. that is all i want to say right now. that's not really who i am. so why do i let myself be? i'm not a badass chick.

i need a change of heart. i feel like such a hypocrite and it felt so obvious tonight when i wasn't being strong. i guess jacquelyn was right. you don't have to be strong, you have to have a connection to god. maybe that is why i can't change, because i'm trying to do it on my own. because i want people to like me and think i'm nice. not becuase it breaks god's heart. that's the first time in a month that i've really considered the reflection of my actions on jesus christ.

maybe that is why god keeps settling in the back of my mind....

i wish that you were either hot or cold...

I guess the question now is which I want to be and if I am willing to give it all up for God as Samy said.

Out of the outflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. i guess those are the thoughts and words in my heart........and that scares me. if it took me only two months to go so downhill, i really need god. I REALLY NEED YOU!!! this is a moment when i want to scream at the top of my lungs "IF YOU ARE REAL, HAPPEN TO ME!! BE REAL! I NEED YOU TO BE REAL!!!"

I have become such a shell of the person I once was. Not necessarily innocent and naive but not so participatory, not so numb to these things.

I need know something real. I need to feel something real. I need to be something real.