You know I kind of wonder what all of the hype is about. Why is the New Year such a big deal. Its not like something physically spectacular happens or as if things really change. All that the new year is, is people who think this year can be different, that they will finally lose that twenty pounds or find the love of their life. And one moment gives them that. But what happens when they wake up on the 1st of the year, if they every went to sleep? Or what happens on December 31st at 11:59 PM of the year 2007? I want to make predictions and 'resolutions' but I wonder when I will really get to them. Will I ever really change? Does the New Year just mean that things are new and somehow that means I am different?

I dont think there is anything innately different about the moment that ball falls. I think it is more of a reminder. A pinnacle moment when we can realize that there are things we need to take with us and leave behind. It gives us a sort of hope that we can start 'new.' For me, it is more of a time to really commit to shake off things that have happened. That's the only way I can be different this year. So I'm leaving:

My bitterness.

My negativity.

Oh well, people in New York have experienced 'the moment'

In an hour and a half, I get to be a sort of new too.

i though that last year's birthday bash would be the worst bash of time. i think that today almost beat it. See it seems to occur to no one that it is my birthday. Not even my family. Saying happy birthday and getting me a Dora The Explorer balloon does not mean it was a happy birthday. I wanted to watch Lost. And I'm like its my birthday, can we do what I would like to do since the rest of our plans got canceled and my mom is all like "happy birthday." She's treated me like I am a burden all day. Everyone was just so happy that I was brought into the world. These are the days when I understand Renee.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
it has already sucked. welcome to my birthday

To Write Love on Her Arms


I think we have an emergency
I think we have an emergency
If you thought I'd leave, then you were wrong
Cause I won't stop holding on
So are you listening?
So are you watching me?
If you thought I'd leave, then you were wrong
Cause I won't stop holding on.
This is an emergency
So are you listening?
And I can't pretend that I don't see this
Well it's really not your fault
When no one cares to talk about it,
talk about it
Cause I've seen love die
Way too many times
When it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry
Way too many times
When you deserve to be alive
So you give up every chance you get
Just to feel new again
I think we have an emergency
I think we have an emergency
And you do your best to show me love,
but you don't know what love is.
So are you listening?
So are you watching me?
And I can't pretend that I don't see this
Well it's really not your fault
When no one cares to talk about it,
talk about it
Cause I've seen love die
Way too many times
When it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry
Way too many times
When you deserve to be alive (alive)
These scars, they will not fade away.
No one cares to talk about it, can we talk about it
Cause I've seen love die
Way too many times
When it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry
Way too many times
When you deserve to be alive (alive)

ACT scores are in and ::Drumroll please:: I got a composite score of 29. Let me just say that I am proud of myself. I am not really good at anything but school so the fact that I scored on the higher side of the average scores for all of the colleges that I want to get into like stanford and NYU And I am only 14 makes me rather proud. I think I got bragging rights on this one for another 5...4...3...2...1 okay.

dec26

Merry Christmas! Okay, so it is a little late. But it was a very Merry Christmas. My family was well my family. I can't stand them but I love them. They are super nit-picky but hey I had lots of fun with my aunt Cynthia and Logan. That's what really matters. I bought Fast and the Furious:Tokyo Adrift for Logan and so I got the low down on it from Logan. Plus about his new x-box 360. He ducked in late and out early to play. God, I love my cousin so much.

In a funny coincidence, both my cousin and I bought my Grandma liquor for Christmas. Of course it was liquor wrapped in chocolate. So I am sure Grandma will be getting tipsy for the next few weeks. She was a riot the other night.

Christmas morning went well. We have quite a few things to take back. LEt's just say my mom trying to shop for me is never a really good idea. I got everything I wanted and more.
Life has been really frustrating lately being the backslidden heathen that I am and all so it was a good day for me. Everyone loved the presents I got them and that is all that really matters.

Merry Christmas!

wanting more than one kid

when i grow up and get married, i don't want to have just one kid. today was a type of depressing day. there was absolutely no sun and it wasn't snowing. then about midday it began to snow. so i got dressed and went outside to make a snowman. once i finished his bum, i realized something-i was alone. I don't have anyone who I can make a snowman with. and i didn't have gloves. so my hands feel like they have frostbite. but I am alone. There is no one to make a snowman with.

There are few things that drive me crazy. And luckily, I haven't encountered them lately. i have pretty much been holed up in my house watching LOST for a few days. Yeah I got out on Friday night but that whole night was drama-a thing I despise. But that night I just started to laugh. Laugh at the hilarity of it all. How desperately desperate and stupid it makes them look. I find it somehow funny. Don't ask my why or how. It just is.

no one reads my blog. maybe that is what makes it nice.

things change. This time last year, I am sure all I cared about was getting a guy to notice me when all hope was long lost. This time, its different. Call my ideas outdated, but since when is living not enough? This year I made mistakes. And I mean mistakes. Regrets. I became worldly and lost myself. I became someone who I wasn't. I lost me. And its hard to get back. Do I really do what I do because I like it or pseudo me likes it?

I am a Christian. Have no doubt.
Maybe that is one basic fact that didn't change. But it did.

I want to be the best because I want to be good at what I do, not because I don't want someone else to be good.

CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE FOR FINISHING MY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING? I shopped it up today and got all of my important presents. Now I have to bake. Christmas is about giving so i am giving things to people that let them know how important they are to me. and how much I love them. It is funny because I shopped at Hobby Lobby today for 2 HOURs to find something for Shealeen. And I finally found it. Have yet to make it. But It just proves you can't put a price on love. Especially when you really love that person.

"T.H. White said; perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically…to those who hardly think about us in return."

This winter I am giving my heart to the one person who always thinks about me. And then some to those who love me and those who I love. This is going to be a good holiday season. There is not a tragedy in this world that overcomes this type of joy.

I just wish my life would mean something to someone...

If you only once would let me

Only just one time

Then be happy with the consequence

With whatever's gonna happen tonight

Don't think we're not serious

When's it ever not

The love we make is give and it's take

I'm game to play along

All I can say

I shouldn't say

Can we take a ride?

Get out of this place

While we still have time

oh oh, oh oh oh

oh oh, oh oh oh

All the best DJs are saving

The slowest song for last

When the dance is through

Its me and you

Come on would it really be so bad

The things we think might be the same

But I won't fight for more

Its just not me to wear it on my sleeve

Count on that for sure

All I can say

I shouldn't say

Can we take a ride?

Get out of this place

While we still have time

Wanna take a ride?

Get out of this place

While we still have time

Yeah - We still have time

oh oh (ahhhhhhhh)

oh oh (ahhhhhhhh)

oh oh (ahhhhhhhh)

oh oh (ahhhhhhhh)

Can't say I was never wrong

But some blame rests on you

Work and play they're never okay

To mix the way we do

All I can say

I shouldn't say

Can we take a ride?

Get out of this place

While we still have time

Wanna take a ride?

Get out of this place

While we still have time

We still have time

oh oh, oh oh ohoh oh, oh

The Tragedies of Life

"There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart’s desire. The other is to gain it."
-George Bernard Shaw

When Shaw wrote this, I'm sure he had his heart broken a time or two. He chose to love and was forgotten-that is one of the worst possible ways to have your heart broken.Or maybe he chose to forget himself. This is a breaking far more cruel. To lose yourself-to lose your heart. You lose more than your desires.

This year I got everything I wanted, everything I wished for. But in a way, I lost even more. Perhaps that is what Shaw meant. Oftentimes, gaining your heart's desire means losing it. The heart has many different desires. And sometimes you must forsake one to gain the other. That is the tragedy of life- all of our desires can't be fufilled.

Yes, losing your heart's desire is tragic, but gaining your heart's desire, it's all you can hope for. This year, I wished for love. To immerse myself in other people and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted. And if having that is tragic, then give me tragedy. Because I wouldn't take it back for the world.

And so Hansel said to Gretel
"Let us drop these bread crumbs so that together we may find our way home
Because losing our way would be the most cruel of things.
This year, I lost my way."
And losing your way on the journey is unfortunate,
But losing your reason for the journey is a fate more cruel.
The journey lasted eight months
Sometimes I traveled alone
Sometimes there were others who took the wheel and took my heart.
But when the destination was reached,
It wasn’t me who had arrived
It wasn’t me at all.
And once you lose yourself, you have two choices
Find the person you used to be
Or lose that person completely.
Because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been
And remember the person you were meant to be,
the person you wanted to be,
the person you are.

Thanksgiving

I am so thankful for my new niece, Sophia Grace Atchley! She is beautiful. here she is crying because she wants mommy. I love Derek, Jenn and Sophie. They are my favorite family.










Thanksgiving. Thankful for so much. Life is good. I'm thankful to be me. To be marked and defined by Jesus Christ himself. To be shone upon by Him

Today has been really gay. I can't even lie about it. My aunt acts as though I don't have a schedule to stick to so I always have to cater to Logan's. At 9:30, my aunt said he would be here at 9:50. well it is about 11 now, and still no Logan. So I wasted a whole hour of my life waiting for him. That is pretty much the stupidest thing I have ever heard of.

On Tuesday, I have to go on this lame tour of the UNM campus. It is quite funny because while I feel like everyone favors Logan, in all reality, I think the fact that I am going on the same tour as him must mean I have quite a bit of potential that people rarely realize.

Things have been going rather well as of late. I love that I have not been on here in like bloody 3 or 4 months. that is alright. A lot has happened in this time. I fell in love all over again. In more ways than one.
With God.
With Missions.
With Mexico.

But not with a boy. Rather I have distanced myself from that. I have so much to live for. So much going for me.

But I'm worried. What if I don't get into Harvard? What if my world comes down on me in an instant? I can't shake that feeling of it being a sunday evening. Where I will wake up and it will be a Monday morning.

I feel like I have to step up.

Its said that the significant moments of your life pass you by and you don't relaize they are significant until they are threatened to be taken away. God I love my life.

Jose and I outside the Blue House

Jessica, Sam, and I at the Mercado

Sam and I after the Price is Right

My Nursery Kids

Santi and Jessica got married on June 3rd! it was a beautiful ceremony.
Josh and Ray rabbit hunting on a sunday morning in the Whataburger parking lot.
my new haircut!
Sam, me, rachel, olga, bianca, and chance at the wedding reception!

It's been at least a month since my last blog. i am out of school. YAY! but i have not had time to do anything at all. let's just say i went to santa fe, 3 graduation parties, a wedding, and have been volunteering for full 8-5 days in the bookstore! Yes so many books, so reading has been taking up a lot of time. and the movie singing in the rain. Sam guilted me into watching it since it is one of the only old movies he has seen, that I have not. It is a really good movie. i just watched the part where someone pulls a chord and jean hagen, the lady with the really funny voice, gets flipped upside down. So in short, my life has been good.

My relationship with God has been growing and i am so excited for what he is going to do this summer. 3 mission trips. i leave sunday night for a week of being with brigie and the porters. it is going to be great. things are going well with the friends. and boys i guess. they are well too. see you later. just thought i would let you know i am alive.

Reveal yourself to me
Cause I want for you to draw me to the place where I find you.

That has been my prayer this year. That God would reveal himself to me and jsut draw me to a place where I find him and it has been quite an experience. I guess life is going really well as of late. I mean, there have been a lot of things that are really frustrating with guys and friends, but I'm finding a few things. It is not as important. I am on the worldview team,so i get to drink coffee and talk with people about christ and their beliefs. To me, that is heaven. i could not want more in life. But as well, I get to go down to Mexico. I mean, lately these are the only things that can excite me.

So in one corner we have Maddie and Me, a girl that I love so much! If I could have a little sister, I would have loved to have her. Maybe...I love her! Ms Maddie and I, we're a lot alike. She has grown up around boys and has brothers and she wants to be like me. you know, it's fun when you have a little girl who likes you and wants to be with you. I really got to see what it is like for her to live down there. when she grabbed the back of my pants and held my hand really tight, I just loved it. Having a little sister and someone to look up to you like that is pretty much the most amazing thing in the world. We got to hang out all Sunday so that Kathy could do what she needed to do. And it was fun, no worries and I got to help Kathy, so it was the best of both worlds. Plus we got to play amazing games and hang out at their house for a while. it was great. Really great. it is really cute. I love them so much!

Then we come to the love of my life! JONAH! Yeah, this is up there as one of the cutest pictures of all time. Another for me to smile at every night. He is pretty much the cutest thing I have ever seen. He makes my heart smile. He is the little brother that I never had.

Its okay to laugh. I laugh every time that I think of this. I am packing as I type, well not really, but kind of and just trying to get ready to go to Mexico. My head is in my heart, and I'm waiting to breathe 

This is how i feel right now. I'm kind of in this place where I'm not ready for what is about to happen. As I right this, I have 1 benadryl, 5 sugar packets, 2 Krispy Kremes, an Iced Carmel Maccihoto with an extra shot of espresso, and a burrito, running through my system so excuse me for anything in this blog. I am hyper but I feel like a drug addict. kind of like i got the high but I'm starting to fall. And my arms hurt really bad because of my sunburn. i don't know, i am somewhat unmotivated at the moment in terms of school but who isn't after spring break? I'm going to Mexico this weekend. I could not be any more excited or could I?

God has really been showing me a lot lately. For me, God knows i learn best through repetition in a short period of time. And lately, he is teaching me to see people through his eyes, or as I like to say, the holes in his hands. We watched the passion the other night and at the end, when christ is raised from the dead, there are these gaping holes in his hands. That might not be realistic but as I had been discussing the idea of seeing people through God's eyes, I envisioned this. The nails in his hands to me represent the sacrifice he made in order to make us clean and in order to see us in Him. It represents love beyond understanding for beings that have utterly rejected you. And so to me, I want to see people through the holes in His hands. Through the representation of his sacrifice because he died for them. And He loves them and wants me to love them.

People have hurt me, but he still loves them. And as we were discussing this morning in the coffee shop, no matter who or what seems to be against us, God is fighting our battles.

2 Chronicles 20:12
O our God, will you not judge them? For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you. 

He Is Risen

Let's see, I'll just catch you up on my life right now.

I turn in my last project April 20.
My last day of school is May 18.
I am in Mexico April 21-23.
I am in Montreal June 25-July 7.
I am spending about ten days in Juarez, Mexico this summer.
I am starting a scrapbook of my travels abroad.
I am not going to camp this summer.
I am going to the alternative prom!
Bianca and I are going to ride the bus around Santa Fe possibly!
I am determined to have a 24/Pride and Prejudice Marathon.
I am interested in someone right now...
I love God more.
I am needing Frito Pie right now.

Do you ever just want something for yourself? Just for you? Don't get me wrong, I have amazing friends but they are not always the best at doing this. Some of them have to have everything and everyone, and so it is hard for me because when I want something, they have to have it too. And that is really difficult. But a lot of the things that they pride themselves in having are not things that I want. For most of my girlfriends, it is most important to have a boyfriend or guy to like them. They say that they have other goals, but then I question why they always have to like someone and they go from one guy to the next. I think a lot of the relationships are not relationships that I want becuase most of the relationships stemmed out of breakups and then someone moving on, so the other person had to move on. I don't think that is a good way for relationships to start. But maybe that is just me. I do like guys, and I like a guy now, but oh gosh, if that was the center of my world, how insecure and unpurposeful would my life be. And I want purpose.

It was a great night under the star brights

So I must say that last night was exactly what I needed after the week I had. Last night was so much fun just getting to go hang out with a bunch of friends and there was no drama except people climbing up trees which was kind of weird. A bunch of people showed up at Dions and we had pizza, which I really like. And it was just a lot of fun talking and hanging out because my friends talk about the weirdest things with the most intelligent conversation. So all good and fun and then we get to go to Keva Juice. The most beautiful thing in the world. And I was walking with Denver and Shawna, the msot beautiful thing in the world, so things were beautiful all around me.

But the most important thing about being at Dions were two people that I got to see, Mr. and Mrs. Church. I'm not going to tell you how excited I was becuase I don't think that you could even begin to understand through written words. It was amazing. I just love them so much that I loved seeing them. I am happy that they seem happy where they are. I don't think that their new church can even begin to understand how abundantly they have been blessed.

The rest of the night was so much fun. So much fun. We played capture the flag. I am athletically challenged but I think chasing Maddie and Jonah has helped me a lot. It was a lot of fun. We lost but it was still a great time. And then I got to hang out with Shawna and Denver and we all got to stay warm under Denver's jacket. That was a lot of fun. I love both fo them so much. And I just really enjoy their company. And it was just so much fun hanging out with Josh and everyone else. So much fun. I have nothing to complain about. I needed that so much.

The Weekend '06 was amazing.

Yet so gross. You can't see the side of my face that is covered in ketchup. and there is raw egg all over my head. This was amazing. Granted, the Weekend was fun and great, but my highlight was the teaching and worship. Joey Rozek came in from New Jersey and The Phil Wickham band from San Diego. I personally think that this was by far the most amazing Weekend I have ever attended. I encourage you to go to Vertical's site and listen to the teachings. They were so amazing and convicting. They were teachings that challenged me and showed me how distant I have been from God in comparison to where He wants me to be. But now I know how to get where I am going. I am struggling so much with friends and just life. But He is so good and He answered my prayer in revealing Himself to me

Reveal yourself to me

Cause I want for you to draw me to the place where I find you.

I really feel that after this weekend, this is my song. After the pain I've endured and the opportunity that I've had to see God work His will and give me a vision of His will for my life, that He is soverign and my actions are for His glory alone. He is my ever present help in my time of need.

Inside, You shine
Amidst this broken daylight
Take this darkness
That I might see Your goodness
My eyes are on the sky
Show me what You hold
You are the light of my soul

You have been the beauty
In the song I sing
The fragrance of the rain
You have been the mystery
In my deepest dreams
You make me fly away
You have been more faithful
Than the morning sun
You've given me the stars
Take my life
Take my soul
Take my heart

You make me, You break me
You've changed my life completely
Always, my days,
I'll freely give You my praise
My life is in Your hands
Let me feel Your touch
Lord, I live for Your love

We did it! My mom is officially married, and we did it! It was beautiful, absolutely beautiful. I just loved it and so did my mom. She looked beautiful and I am told that I did too. Which is a rare occasion when I am told that I am beautiful. I figure I should dress like that more often. Besides the wedding itself, the weekend was whack. I mean seriously whack. We couldn't go to the Switchfoot concert and that was lame but most of it lay in a frog. I am not even joking. It was pretty lame. You know how you get your hopes up so much only to be let down. Its like the knight in shining armor wasn't really that at all. He was a figment of your imagination. You start to wonder how many frogs you have to go through before the prince really appears. It is hard to determine which frogs will turn into the princes and which frogs will remain the same. I just feel like right now all I can do is see frogs. At this point, I just want to marry Jonah. That may sound bad but he is really cute and really nice and really awesome. He flirts a bit but not with everyone. I am special.

And what about friends? I mean, what is a friend? If you are interested in someone, is it okay for your friends to flirt with them, especially if they know that you are interested in this person? I say this from a completely unbiased opinion considering the fact that I am no longer interested. I'm just trying to see what God is saying. I know I am waiting for that one guy who will complete me in every way. But right now I am wondering where he is hiding? Or if there is even someone to complete me in that way. I am overwhelmed right now because I am mad.

I guess some highlights of the weekend were the fact that I got to see Jonah, Maddie, Kathy, and Dave and be in their presence. I love spending time with them. Plus I got to talk to Kathy and she knows I applied for an internship in Juarez and she seemed really excited so I am excited. Even on Saturday night, it was fun spending time with her even if Sam was following us around and I was exceedingly mad at him. She was so kind about everything and so kind to me even when Sam was being weird towards me. She is amazing. Plus, her husband is like amazing. I mean, that is what I want my husband to be like. Mr. Porter is amazing. And he heard that I am applying for an internship. I don't know, we will see how it all goes. Honestly, I'm not that strong. 

If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall

I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

I’m not all right
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone

And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
Cause honestly, I’m not that strong

I’m not all right
I’m broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you

And I move closer to you

I’m not all right…that’s why I need you

I LOVE YOU SHEALEEN!

I'm tired and every room that is in my house is filled with people. I guess i should look on the bright side at the fact that all of my family is here and i have gained the coolest set of grandparents in the world through this weekend, but it is kind of hard when i have not slept for a while and my privacy has been invaded. The Porters are here and Sam might get to come to Vertical but then he will just hang out with all of the girls. To me, relationships are not that important right now. I guess I am just seeing that people aren't all that great. God has something planned for my life and he has the perfect person who will complete me. And I don't want to go and choose a guy for myself who does not complete me. If God has something planned, no amount of time or miles will be able to tear that apart. He has promised and every one of his promises is yes and amen. It is all a matter of trust from here on out. I guess I am just seeing how fickle and incomplete every single relationship is around me. There is ________and ________, ________ and __________, and _______ and ________. All of which stemmed out of relationships that ended last month. How many relationships have changed right on schedule and a few relationships i didn't expect to change. And I know God doesn't have that planned for me, he has better and I'm a teenager who personally wants better.

24 is on tommorrow night! YAY! YAY! That is going to be an awesome show!

I don't have the strength of words

Well right now I am the epitome of sick and so I am stuck at home with my family. Right now, going to school sounds like fun. I have been with my family all week and I just want to get out of the house. I want to be done with this wedding. I am really tired and my body just wants to sleep but I can't. So I am stuck reading Hamlet at home with a cup of chai green tea and contemplating the meaning of my life. Sounds like fun, right? Well not really. Its less than a week till my mom's wedding and I am not going to see any of my friends before that day. My mom made me go to Urgent Care last night so I couldn't go to church and then I slept really late this morning and in all actuality couldn't go to church becuase I would get all of the little kids sick because the antibiotics have not set in just yet. But it is hard not being able to talk with anyone or pray with anyone.

I just watched Alivia Sky Lusko be dedicated. It was really cool just watching such an awesome couple such as Jennie and Levi dedicate their baby. I can't wait till I am a parent. What an exciting yet hard experience.

And then the Switchfoot concert is next week. But can I go? as of right now-No! I am not excited about that!I just want to hang with my my people in Mexico. I'm still waiting for my application to be accepted. I am waiting....waiting....waiting....School is almost over.

Sam posing
Originally uploaded by until_wehavefaces.

I wish i was here hanging out with these people! I am so tired of this wedding! I am so tired of having to diet! I am so tired of everyone expecting me to be happy and peppy! I am so tired of people walking up to me and asking how I am doing as if I am dying from this certian issue!
I AM SO STINKEN TIRED OF THIS! JUST TAKE ME NOW!

this is me searching for food. i have no idea. i am really hungry. really confused. really just me.

12th and hyde on a sunday
feeling like were grown
and were nothing short of invincible

It starts again
can you feel it
it takes your breath away
stop saying that were invincible(it's round and round)
you're uninviting, unrewarding
and i'm misiforming you

we all want to be somebody
right now were just looking for the exit
this is the way i would have done things
up against the wall
you've got me up against your wall

it's you and me on a monday
the lies that we told
this is were we both go numb now
you broke my heart again this time
your fading out you crossed the line

we all want to be somebody
right now were just looking for the exit
this is the way i would have done things
up against the wall
you've got me up against your wall

(reaching out for a hand thats not here, but you are here and im not...)

this is the way i would have done things
up against the wall
up against your wall
this is the way we should have done
when were up against a wall
up against a wall

all that i can say

Project was AMAZING!! And so was the Fold with their awesome bass player. And Chasing Victory. Can you say double amazing? I mean Andrew Schwab made the concert, but it was awesome all around. there was nothing that happened that could down my night. If you were there you understand.

Well, let's think, the highlight of my night was falling in the mosh pit that one time. now you may think that to be weird. and it kind of is. But you must understand the full context. It was during Project and we were moshing, and I fell and all of the sudden I hear someone yell my name and before i can figure out what is going on, i am back on my feet again. So I turn around, and Nialls is all "Are you okay?" Man do I have awesome guy friends. Its like having so many awesome older brothers. they even tell me its like the obligation to the younger sister. i mean, some girls would be defiant and be like "you can't rule me." But hey, I know they aren't being mean or trying to make me feel like a little kid. They know me well enough to know I am not stupid and that I won't go into a mosh pit that i can't handle. I mean Ray pushed me into the mosh pit where i got my throat elbowed, and my jaw hit by the guy who looks like he is from showbread. but it was all good. I had the worst headache and had to sit out for two songs and lay on the ground. But I got back up. No need to fear. But it was kind of a rule that we set out that I wouldn't go into the mosh pit unless Josh, Ray or Nialls was in it. That means that i had more of a possibility of dying, but look even Nialls could pick me up. I don't know, I appreciated it.

So then I went dress shopping this morning, trust me this connects to the Project concert. And my mom pressed part of my sternum and I pretty much screamed becuase i got elbowed in the sternum and then in the back and then my nose still hurts, and i got punched in the forehead. it was a very successful night and i don't regret one decision that i made.

Especially the decision i made to be free. So shealeen, i am pretty much just talking to you because you are the only person who reads any of this stuff. Last night was the first night in a long time that I felt free. I was so excited for this concert. I knew that Josh and Kirsi and nialls and shealeen were going to be there and that was pretty much it. I didn't know everyone was coming. So i thought hey, a night without drama, this should be awesome. but without a doubt, some drama could have occured. But you know what I figured out, drama only happens when you let it. it is a pure decision on how you look at everything. There was a lot like __________ and then ___________ and _______________ but you know what, when you serve God and he is the sole purpose you see that a lot no longer matters.

the ensuing chaos that the news of this past week brought showed me a lot. It made me forget about the mistakes that were made. You just see that when something is threatened to be taken away from you, you quickly forget any grudges you were holding. As we have spoken, you've heard me complain many a time, but that no longer matters. We do not serve a dead God! And no matter what happens at Calvary, God is the same God and we CAN trust in that.

This blog is an outpouring of emotion, so I am really sorry that it is jumpy. But in reference to the whole thing going on at Calvary, God really showed me something, not just about that, but as well about my life. When my pain is for God's glory, "lord have your way in me." i want to be a missionary, and God is showing me so much about that. Let the Nations be Glad by John Piper is continually discussing that missions and everything in our lives are for the glory of God. Even our pain, so its my prayer that god would have his way in me. And that he would have his way and that these events, no matter anyone's opinion on them, would be to God's glory and that he would be magnified in the lives of those who are watching us. that they would see that God is still holding us.

It is my personal opinion that the decisions two families made were decisions that they had prayed about and are decisions that are godly and right for their family. There are not many people that I respect more than the Churches or the Nelsons as they have exhibited the love of Christ for our congregation. And so its my prayer that they would have wisdom in the decisions that they will continue to make and they will be strengthened even through the whole gossip wheels that run within our congregation. I don't want to know the "story." i respect the leaders of both families enough to know they are men after God's heart and they are making the right decision.

So that is all i am going to say about that. and you will get to hear about more of the Project concert later.

Until later-
Sarah

With SOM Students

allofus
Originally uploaded by avintagelove15.

Okay, so not this weekend, but the weekend before, i had the opportunity to go down to Juarez for like the 6th or 7th time, but this was my first time with the school of ministry students. Let's just say that it will be interesting if I am able to go on the 3rd trip with them to see how all of them have changed because this was a first time trip for most. Enough said.

Yet this was an awesome trip becuase it wasn't big but it wasn't small. WE got most of the outside of the orphanage done and painted and that was awesome. I think next time I'm going to go up on the scaffolding and do stuff. it was no fun being stuck on the ground. But still, we got to paint and level some ground and furnish the inside. so we were very excited to see the construction progressing.

As well, after ministering all day, and eating the delicious burritos the cooks prepare, yep i ate a lot but i was really hungry. But anyways, after that whole day of getting done what needed to get done and hanging out with kylan, the cutest baby on the planet, we were broken up into teams and we went and delivered groceries. It was awesome because not only were we able to bless the people, I enjoyed the company. ;) we stood on a corner talking with Dave Porter, and then minus Dave for a really long time.
Man we got so much done

this is what i like to call sam-disdained. i don't know if i spelled that right. but anyways. here is a story for you. we were sitting in the dining room, chowing down on the delicious food they had prepared for us, frito pie, a delicacy that always makes me sick, but i eat it anyways. Well, I decide it will be fun to go out and play with the porter kids and the mckusker kids. So after chasing them around and having my thigh jacked by Jonah slamming a gate into it, everyone decides to go inside. but kaleb wanted to stay outside, so i decide to hang out with him and he asks me if i want to play narnia. well, he preceeds to tell me that he is king peter and he is cool and he is awesome, and then he says I can be whoever I want to be. so I am now queen lucy, but i am not as cool as him becuase i don't have a horse. I only have a small sword. but anyways, we are walking around and he is just talking and talking. I think we made it around the compound like five times before he comes to the conclusion that we need a bad guy. so he says we need the white whitch. you must know that the white whitch is evil because she is ugly. that is why we do not like her. and kaleb says to me matter-of-factly, not trying to be funny "Let's go get Sam to be the White Whitch." At this point, i almost died. But then again, it makes a lot of sense when I think about it. Sam is not ugly and he is not a whitch but he is the oldest one down there. So to kaleb he is always the one he goes to to play with. Well lets just say, i could get used to chasing those kids around every saturday night. i think we are working on that. i put in my application for an internship this summer down in juarez. as well, i was able to send my reccommendation letter, a bittersweet thing which i will touch on in another blog later this weekend. so we might be able to work that out.
so just be praying that god would show me where he wants me to be this summer. and for how long. i'd like to stay in juarez for a month if its god's will. we will see if i even get accepted. I am excited.

 

Well this was our attempt at dress shopping. you know the closer this wedding gets, the more i am regretting having ever blessed it. actually, i take that back. this is an amazing thing for my mom. but there are some things i am not so crazy about. i won't lie concerning that. And this dress shopping was definetly one of those things. Granted, what other time does my mom give me money to go hang out with monica and larissa and buy a dress and shoes, but still, the spring line is not out just yet, so we couldn't find much. we pretty much walked all over coronado mall, going into every store from aeropastle to bananna republic to limited to macy's to dillards. i swear, i did not mean to lead Larissa into sin, but i think she found some stuff she really liked. well that was our day and then we went to Hotdog on a Stick and got lemonades and although i could get used to the pay there, i wouldn't be able to do the short shorts and the lame litlle hats. they looked so dorky. anyway, if you work there, i am sorry, you must be in desperate need of money. But after the Coronado experience, Larissa had to go so Monica and I hit up a Starbucks and then TJMax and then went to Cottonwood where we ate bourbon chicken and found this dress. it is adorable, i really like it and trust me it looks better in person. but anyways my mom didn't like it so it is a no go for the wedding. and besides it costed like $250, which we didn't need to spend. the guy i am prayerfully considering will be there, so i want to look cute. but whatever. he and i will just dance and have a grand old time. i am kind of worried though, i cannot practice my swing dancing skills with someone who is taller than me. and he has like a foot on me, so i might disturb him with my skills becuase i cannot help that amber is only two inches taller than the requirement for a safety seat. anyways. that is just so i could put this picture of the dress up. 

And I can't take back this mistake
I can't make it right
for once I am the one apoligizing
You used to be so glad
but the darkness overwhelmed
And I'm afraid of what that means

I'm afraid that I hurt you
that tommorrow I won't see you
that I'll never be able to apoligize
You won't want to hear it
You're still falling and I'm waiting to catch you
But maybe this time I can't
Maybe you've really forgotten
Because I pretended to.
But how could I?
how could I forget you
in this dark place...
how could I forget
what's happened to us?
The mistakes we made
the feelings we always fall back on
how could I forget
to something so good.

So let's not even try, you're right let's ball it up and throw it out the window
It's becoming all so clear in my mind
I've thought this through like more than once or twice
I feel that this is my last request to you
Hold your breath
Bottle it up and save it for the next one
It's safe to say we've been riding this all night
None of this will ever change your mind
It's never safe to rely on borrowed time
Now we're both undone and it's time to open up your eyes
Consequence it's our need in times like this
Feeling free is our modern disease
You're a classic disaster with a knack for losing your exterior
I'm so sick
From staring at the mirror
This all needs a break from you
And I'm used to this
I fear that I am just an end
so you'll play the mistaken and I'll play the victim
In our screen play of desire and I'm still writing
The letters I'll never send
Running in circles I can't forget how many times
I've played this in my mind
Feeling free feeling free
This is my panic this is my call to arms

we're almost there

Do you ever have the feeling that this could be it? You could do this for the rest of your life? You could spend the rest of your life with someone? That if only God was pleased, this could be it. You could be contented? You could be satisfied? You could be poor and depend on God fully and you could be with these people and you could serve the God who desires your life? Have you ever found that placed where it’s the only place you want to be? Have you ever smiled for no reason except that you are recognizing how ironic life is? That you are recognizing how hard it is? Yet that we have a great God? That even when we are tired, we serve a God who is faithful even when we are faithless? That he gives us a beautiful hope? That He deserves our humble adoration all of the time? That he continues to come to us even when we are running in the opposite direction? That he is taking us where he wants us to be and where we want to be even if we don’t know it yet?

Even when I am in this flesh, he deserves all of me? He wants all of me? He is preparing someone out there? That he loves me enough to preserve me? He loves me enough that he doesn’t want me to falter in my relationships? That I am not directly involved because he has bigger plans for me? That he knows me well enough to know all I want is commitment? That anyone who gives it to me will be someone who can steal my heart easily? That I will be so flustered I will forget to look for what he is trying to teach me? It’s not about how I feel, it’s about how He will have me feel someday? When I stand at the alter and I look into the eyes of the one he has had waiting for me? I only know that God is making sure I am not directly involved so that I can be able to say “I waited for you and only you”? So if god has that person out there, why do I worry?

Have you ever known what it is like to not worry about that anymore? To accept Christ’s Lordship and let him do his work? If he already has the perfect person for me, why should I worry? If I am going to be fully pleased with my future husband, he is going to be the man that only God has picked out, not me. A friend said that to me a few months ago. He has somehow forgotten it, surprise, surprise. But that doesn’t mean it is not still true for me today. They as well said something that really made me think about my future husband. They said “______ is not the girl to take me to the future that the Lord is calling me down.” Are they guys I am even interested in these types of guys? Guess what, they are somewhat? I don’t know everything. I just know, I’ve found a place where I want to be. It’s a place the Lord may be calling me. And I know I will look back on this life of mine and know God was orchestrating everything from my husband, to my schooling, to my passions. We’re almost there.

89 things?

89 QUESTIONS
1. NICKNAME(S):Sarah, Sarita, Kiri
2. FAVORITE COLOR:Black and White
3. FAVORITE ANIMAL:Cute puppies. Bangel tigers
4. COKE OR PEPSI:Coke
5. FAVORITE DRINK:Lift and Fanta and Sunkist
6. FAVORITE FOOD:Mexican. Burritos in Mexico are amazing
7. GREATEST FEAR:……………
8. ANY ADDICTIONS?:sure thing
9. PEN OR PENCIL:pens.
10. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT:republican
11. FAVORITE CLASS(past or present):Without a Doubt college courses. Like ballroom dancing
12. IN 1 WORD, DESCRIBE YOUR ABILITY TO DRIVE:excellent
13. ELVIS...ALIVE OR DEAD:he lives in summer’s side yard
14. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY SUPERPOWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE:I would be invisible
15 WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SNACK:sunflower seeds, Mexican food, Mexican food, yeah, and chocolate
16. HORROR MOVIES...SCARY OR AWESOME:ah. Shealeen, stop hitting me. I guess, I am willing to watch scary movies. There are some I can’t stand though.
17. HOW FAR APART IN YEARS CAN YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND BE:About 4 years, yeah, that sounds about right. And he has to be older.
18. FAVORITE RESTAURANT:Texas Roadhouse. No, actually, Applebees.
19. GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO FULFILL ANY FANTASY, WHAT WOULD YOURS BE:to get married and live in mexico
20. HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN A LIMO:yes
21. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST TURN ON IN THE OPPOSITE SEX:someone who loves the Lord and is passionate about talking about it with me. Just someone who loves talking and listening to me. Not just based upon their mood. Someone who thinks I’m attractive but he’s quiet about it.
22. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST TURN OFF IN THE OPPOSITE SEX:when they are really flirty and are generally resembling any of the behaviors of a certain someone. Cough * Jesse* cough
23. IF YOU COULD COIN A PHRASE, WHAT WOULD IT BE:I am a failure with a hope or you jump I jump jack. That is sam and I all the time.
24. IF YOU COULD BRING BACK ANYTHING FROM THE EIGHTIES, WHAT WOULD IT BE:totally Michael jackson’s dancing skills and his being black
25. IF YOU COULD WAKE UP TOMORROW AND MAKE SOMETHING GO AWAY, WHAT WOULD IT BE:? that is lame
26. HAVE YOU EVER CALLED SOMEBODY YOU LIKED ONLY TO HANG UP WHEN THEY ANSWERED:no
27. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN TWO MOVIES IN THE THEATER WHEN YOU WERE ONLY SUPPOSED TO SEE ONE:sure thing
28. IF SO, WHAT MOVIES WERE THEY:lilo and stitch and star wars two and stuart little. 29. HAVE YOU EVER GIVEN SOMEONE A FAKE PHONE NUMBER:well, I gave this one kid clay’s cell and said it was mine. Does that count? Seriously, he was a creep.
30. WHEN DID YOU LAST PRANK CALL AND TO WHO:a few weeks back. We called ray. Sasha says hi
32. WHATS THE LAST THING YOU BORROWED AND DID NOT RETURN:on being a servant of god
33. WHATS THE LAMEST LINE SOMEONE HAS USED ON YOU:A certain someone *not Jesse* started singing me the Titanic song. It was kind of lame, but sweet at the same time. He was joking but there were definitely some underlying messages.
34. DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT:no, remember I like talking
35. ARE YOU TICKLISH:oh yeah
36. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MEAL OF THE DAY:breakfast
37. WHATS THE WORST SOUND IN THE WORLD:rap and the sound of…
38. THE BEST:voices singing praises to our King in humble adoration
39. ALIENS...FACT OR FICTION:roswell. Just kidding
40. HOW MANY MOVIES DO YOU HAVE ON TAPE:a few
41: WHATS A GOOD AGE TO GET MARRIED:21. I guess any age god is setting up for you
42: HOW MANY KIDS WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE WHEN YOU'RE OLDER:3
43. IF THERE WAS A PERFUME/COLOGNE NAMED AFTER YOU, WHAT WOULD IT BE:tired sighs. I don’t know
44. ORANGE JUICE...PULP OR NO PULP:NO PULP!
45. WHENS THE LAST TIME YOU'VE BEEN CAMPING:lets see, a really long time ago.
46. HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN ON A MOTORCYCLE:yes.
47. MOVIES...CHICK FLICKS OR ACTION:both I guess. Just not together
48. WHAT CURRENT MUSICIAN DO YOU THINK IS THE MOST OVERRATED:like….
49. WHAT MOVIE REFLECTS YOUR LIFE STORY:………………a movie where everything goes wrong.
50. WHAT IS THE WORST TV SHOW ON RIGHT NOW:that 70s show. Sorry it is and always will be lame
51. STUDY OR CRAM:study
52. MOVIES, TV, OR MUSIC...WHICH COULD YOU NOT LIVE WITHOUT:music
53. AS A CHILD, WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY:barbies
54: WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST JOB:a job.
55. MAKE DINNER OR ORDER IN:order in!
56. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO COOK:yes57. FINISH THE SENTENCE, "I wouldn't be caught dead...":doing that?
58. CATS OR DOGS:dogs
59. WHAT IS YOUR DREAM CAR:a jeep. Sam learned that I am crazy about jeeps. He pretty much had to shut me up.
60. WHATS THE WORST WAY TO DIE:without Christ.
61. ARE YOU LAZY:sometimes
62. HAVE YOU EVER USED SOMEONE ELSE'S TOOTHBRUSH:yes
63. WHAT PLACE DO YOU WANT TO VISIT BEFORE YOU DIE:Panama and Macedonia and ?Uganda
64. WHATS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING HALLOWEEN COSTUME:never had one
65. WHAT WOULD THE TITLE OF YOUR AUTOBIOGRAPHY BE: PMS:Its not just for Girls anymore. No just kidding. That is by Summer, Amber and I
I guess I would name it “A Beautiful Hope”
66. SHOES...SOMETHING YOU PUT ON YOUR FEET OR SOMETHING YOU THINK ABOUT:think about I guess
67. WHATS THE MOST EXPENSIVE GIFT YOU'VE EVER GOTTEN:a nice digital camera
68. MORE IMPORTANT...DATING OR FOOD:depends on who you are dating. probably food
69. WHOS YOUR FAVORITE CARTOON CHARACTER:popeye
70. WHAT WAS THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT:Crowder-A collision. I know. It has been a very very long while
71. IF YOU COULD BE ANYONE FOR ONE DAY, WHO WOULD YOU BE:Bridgetta
72. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MOVIE YOU EVER SAW:star wars and veggie tales
73. AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN/WOMAN...OK/NO WAY:you are lame if you have an affair. I am married to one person and one person only. My body is for one person and one person only. My soul is for one person and one person only. Besides Christ. That is my husband.
74. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT:baseball, soccer, football
75. WHATS THE STUPIDEST THING YOU'VE EVER DONE: you really want to know?” you will have to ask me
76. CIGARETTES...TURN ON/TURN OFF:cigs are lame
77. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED:today
78. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL:granola, cheerios.
79. IF YOU COULD INVITE THREE PEOPLE, LIVING OR DEAD, TO A DINNER PARTY...WHO WOULD YOU INVITE:C.S. Lewis, C.H. Spurgeon, ryan McCabe, and Sam
80. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A BLIND DATE:no
81. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO SIT IN A MOVIE THEATER:mid mid
82. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID "I LOVE YOU":in mexico
83. WHAT CELEBRITY DO PEOPLE SAY YOU MOST LOOK LIKE:not sure
84. DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONAL STYLE IN ONE WORD:me
85. READING OR WRITING:reading
86. NIGHT ON THE TOWN OR QUIET NIGHT AT HOME:night on the town
87. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE CANDY:almond joy
88. WHOS MOST LIKELY TO PUT A RESTRAINING ORDER ON YOU:jonah
89. WHATS YOUR BIGGEST GUILTY PLEASURE:………………………………………………………………. :)

Salvation is Here

God above all the world in motion
God above all my hopes and fears
And I don't care what the world throws at me now
I'm gonna be alright
Hear the sounds of the generations
Making loud our freedom song
All in all that the world would know Your name
It's gonna be alright
Cause I know my God saved the day
And I know His word never fails
And I know my God made a way for me
Salvation is here
Salvation is here
Salvation is here and He lives in me
Salvation is here
Salvation that died just to set me free
Salvation is here
Salvation is here and He lives in me
Salvation is here
Cause You are alive and You live in me

Tamara

Josh's B-day_Other 112
Originally uploaded by until_wehavefaces.

Yep i just thought i would tell you to look at this HOTTIE!

We’ll dance for hours on end. Swing dancing, slow dancing, dancing beneath the stars. On the porch, on the dance floor, in the streets. The surreal love.

forever till forever meets no end...

thoughts

What happens now? That I've found what I've been wanting. When I turned away for so long? When I was afraid to admit what I wanted? The tricky thing about life is that there are those who are constantly trying to please people and I don't mean that in a bad way. Because not all of them are "people-pleasers" That is without a doubt fairly confusing but what I mean is this. there are those who are willing to change everything about themselves and there are those who are willing to comprimise what they really want becuase they figure if that person thinks it is cool, it can't be that bad. Never again will I do that. I've never sinned within that, or gone against what I know is godly. I don't comprimise in that way and I never want to. Doubtless, I probably will, but I'm trying my best to allow Christ to burn away what is not of Him in my life. the hardest thing about that is that God lets you know, which is really a blessing not a curse. He picks you up when you are falling on your face and stands you where you are facing the right direction and he starts giving you the first few steps. Just in the past week, God has really taken a parked car like me and completely altered my direction. There have been at least four things that have changed me.

My conversation with Patrick.
My conversation with Neil.
My teacher's comment about my teaching.
My conversation with Sam.

God gives us signs and helps us. that is perfectly amazing. I'm going to try to not make the mistake of doing anything like t his ever again. I know the direction for my life. and I know my Jesus.

So it is four hours before I leave for mexico. it feels like just yesterday, I was writing a blog about leaving for mexico. How exciting. Yet, then again, it doesnt feel like "Omigosh i am going to mexico!" Should I be more excited? Should I be perfectly enthralled with this? I mean, I am completely excited, but it isn't like a fake luster. I am excited to serve. And I am waiting and trusting that this weekend God will show me more of His heart and His plan for me. I mean, I am anticipating this like crazy. All that he will do.

All of the junk he will get me away from so that my heart can see Him and be undistracted. So that I can come back with a greater understanding of Him and surely of His grace, and apply that to my life. I mean, I've been having a tough week but God is giving me contentment amongst it. He is testing me. Reminding me that "My Beloved Is Mine." And making me trust in Him. I don't think I can be in a better place than that. For those of you who have my email, email me because I am going to miss you all weekend! But I will be with Rachel and Sam and Jonah. Oh yes, and pray that Sam will not kill us.

-sarah

An Unopened Letter To The World

An Unopened Letter to The World

If I could be all that I have wanted to be, I’m sure that it would never be enough for anyone’s standards. I am sure that I would never be able to please anyone. Perhaps it’s just that I’m different, that I’m not easy to understand, and that scares anyone who meets me. I am not what you’d expect.

If I could say everything I have wanted to say, I’m sure that it would never be enough for my own standards. I could never tell the world what I need to tell them. I could never help them commit to memory what I’ve learned. Because it is killing me inside, and no one would expect that from me.

If I could be everything he wanted me to be, I’m sure he would once again forget me. H would once again be dissatisfied at my intrigue because he wants things to be easy for him. He wants what he can’t have because he is not willing to work for it. His lust for love is not satisfied because he knows not what love is and the work that is involved. The forgiveness that is given. Maybe that is why he knows not that I love him. Or perhaps this is not love, maybe it is just lust for what I can’t have.

If I could be labeled as one thing, I know it would not be the label of average. I won’t be labeled as average. Because that is not who I am. I am completely different and I want the world to know that. But they will never know, as I have fallen in love with the silence, the ink from my pen is now dry.

So the world will never know that...


i am not: who you’d expect
i love: love

i hate: the world sometimes

i hope: even though i am a failure

i crave: love .

i cry: when I am lost

i care: about...

i always: wonder why god loves me

i long to: be a missionary

i feel alone: alot

i hide: from the world

i write: what god is teaching me

i breathe: in god's presence

i play: a game that i am losing

i miss: the days when i could breathe

i search: for truth

i learn: to fall in love with the silence

i feel: content with where god has me

i know: that whatever God does it shall be forever

i say: what I think

i succeed: miserably

i fail: without Christ.

i wonder: what this will all mean in the end

i want: for only god to be pleased with me

i worry: that what i am isn't good enough

i have: hope

i give: what I can

i fight: the pain

i need: nothing a human can give

i am: a failure with a hope

i think: alot

i can't: tell you how i feel

Would you break me from the way i've been lately because I can't see living without you. And would you change me from who I've been lately?

your promise will help me lead until the end

I am a failure with a hope. A hope that even though this world is quickly fading, there is someone greater who loves me and who will keep me. That even though I am a sinner, someone, in perfection, chose me and loves me despite my failures. By all standards, I am a failure, but Christ gives me hope. The fact that I can even hope is an example of God's grace. He never lets go of us.
a failure with a hope,
-sarah

after all the tears

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly I am where I'm supposed to be
And after all the tears I was supposed to be here

I really like that "and after all the tears i was supposed to be here." That holds a lot of meaning for me as lately, I have been crying through these things. I see two things that God is trying to accomplish. Something in me, and something through me. Something, all for the glory of God. that he may be glorified in me,a dn throguhe me. So that he would be glorified within me, within my heart, but as well, that he would be glorified through my witness, that people would see Him as a result of my trials. Look, life is hard, but when you give yourself to God, you suddenly find that you are where you are supposed to be. That God is using your tears for a greater purpose. that is pretty much the only comfort I can give at this moment. He's catching every tear, but he's not satisfied with just having your tears; He wants it all, every part of your life.
-sarah

Are you listening? We write a thousand pages, they're torn and on the floor.

could i just be anonymous?

so lately I'm not really sure. Am I living the right way? Have I tricked myself into believing that I'm alright? What do people really say when I leave? Do they just put up with me? Dang, that is probably the truth. So my friend and I were having an interesting conversation about the first two questions. And he said something that was true "Our trials, testings, and persecutions are only signs that the Lord is working in us and leading us down the right path. It is the moments in life where we become comfortable that we must worry about." But then I was thinking, well God gave these same things to people who he was trying to tell to turn the other way, so how do I know this is not true of me also? God is working in me, and I'm not doubting that He is who He says He is, but I think He is finding whether all of this will withstand the fire. (bear with me my thoughts are not really organized) You know, today is four years that Cameron died. And no one knows how I feel about that except one person and even then, he found out by mistake. Don't you hate how gmail puts all of the "l's" right next to each other? So I send it to the first person on the list, thinking it is myself. but NOOO, it isn't. So what else? Oh yes, there is this whole twitterpation situation. There is still ________ & ____________ and ___________ & _________. I don't know if we got rid of some couples or what. But I'm learning to be content, and still people are talking about me. So what, you think my life revolves around one boy? I'm sorry but he is not God. He is a really amazing, awesome person but every decision does not revolve around him. If you think it does, let me set the record straight, it does not! What do I have to lose if you don't believe me? but now as well, I am wondering what two people really think. You know, its like I try to keep my mouth shut about certain things and I think I have succeeded fairly well. So how do I know my friends aren't doing the same? Huh, how do I know they arent lying to me? YOu know, I had to email a friend and ask her to tell me the real truth about how I was acting? I didn't hate her for it, in fact, I love my friend even more for that. She was willing to tell me what i needed to hear even when it hurt. I guess I am just fairly confused . sorry that you read this.
-sarah

in loving memory...

What will be the first thing I say? What will be the first thing I do? Will I cry? Will we embrace? Will I even remember the days I had without him? What will he look like? What will he say? What will be the praise that is on his lips? Will he be the first that I see? Or the second, or the third? In the glory of that day, will words be uttered? Or will we stand motionless? What words will we whisper?
I've often wondered what I'll say when I see him again. "I missed you?" "You beat me?" "Life wasn't the same without you?" "I cried for days?" "I loved you so much?" I think that none of these could so eloquently tell what I would feel and how I would tell him. I guess, after all of the time, we won't have noticed, we will merely say "We're finally here. We're finally home."

after its all said and done...this is all i can say

Its funny how easily we can trick ourselves into thinking we know what God wants and that we are doing His will. How easily, we can forget His goodness and the contentment that is only found in Him. Since the end of September, I have been struggling with finding contentment, and where it can truly be found. As a girl, contentment looks something like having that one guy. But as someone who is trying to live a life for Christ and purely to glorify His name, I think that it looks radically different. It isn't found in someone. Because everyone is imperfect, and contentment is a constant thing, imperfection makes things inconsistent. I think that true contentment is being satisfied with where God has you, being in a place where everything isn't perfect, yet you still choose to trust in Him and in His plan. Its the recognition that God is in control.

Lately, things have been occurring that really scare me. But someone reminded me that those problems have no control over my Savior, He is allowing them. For whatever reason, I'm not sure, but I'm not going to question what he has in store. At the end, I'll finally know. And the end is near. My end is close approaching and even if you think that its insane that I am excited about nearing death. Its not death itself, its what is held on the other side. I get to meet my Savior, the person who's grace has been continually pouring out on my life since my birth. Who has been planning everything, and I imagine that when I see the face that I have been seeking, I won't even care about these issues, I won't even ask what they were for. That one moment, I don't know if I'll cry, or laugh, or if I'll feel anything that could be explained in words. I just want to live my life so that I can here "Well done good and faithful servant..." And that that glory moment will last for eternity.