I am finally content where I am. You see, this is my thing. Yesterday was my birthday, and it started off really terrible. My mom was mad at me, everyone was being a jerk and the Stores hadn't called me. So at that point in the morning, I felt pretty useless. Now that my mom is engaged it seems like all I do is dissapoint her when everything her fiancee does is perfect. So then I get the first blessing of the day, Tamara, Ray, and Shealeen all emailed me saying happy birthday. I was pretty amped, I can't lie, and then I got to go to Starbucks with Kelli and chill and talk and figure out what to do with these people in my life who i can't stand much longer. Then I got home, and watched 24 and had kabobs and had a birthday with Monica, Trudy, Steve, my aunt, my mom, and Rachel. Then we hung out. to top my night off, right before i went to bed, my aunt told me i had two messages. One from someone in Miami who partly raised me, and then one from Shawna. someone who went out of their way to get my number and call me. So I asked myself, Shawna isn't one of my "best friends", one of the people who keeps me around becuase they feel like they need to. She could have not gotten my number. But then there is one person who I want to call me, a friend who should have called me, and they didn't. I don't get an email, a phone call, or even a happy birthday at church. And now they are acting like I'm never there for them. This person has really hurt me, and they act like I don't want to hear them. Well, guess what!?! I have asked a hundred times over and have tried to be there, but what can I do when they pretend everything is alright and they go to the friends who really aren't interested in that part of their life. I'm confused by these people I call friends. There is only two who deserve that title. And I don't know what to say to the rest.
I'm sorry for anything I've done. You are hurting me. You are pretty lame and guess what, I need strong, mature Christians in my life, and you are not playing that role. You are abandoning me in my time of need, so what do you expect me to do?

-Sarah.

maybe i am old fashioned

i think she posed a serious question, what do you do when you have loved someone for two years and they leave you for someone they like? In all honesty, I've sometimes thought that if I told him, things would be different. He would forget about his little infatuation with her and love me.
But then where would I be? I would be thinking its all put together, but in reality its not. Becuase I suck at making things happen. I would have taken it into my own hands and it might be good, but it would not be God's best. Here I am writing my two cents in a scrapbook that you should never settle for less than God's best. But I'm forgetting it myself. I think it is stupid to say "He is holding my heart hostage" because that is just a stupid girl saying "LOOK At how you are hurting ME!" or I could say "you don't have my heart!" but then again, that might be partly a lie because when I think about it, he somewhat has a hold on it. And he messed with it, so in a sense, my heart is in a holding pattern, leaning more towards the "you don't have my heart."

In Isaiah we see that King Uzziah had to die before Isaiah could fully focus on God. Uzziah had to be taken off of the throne of Isaiah's heart so that God could reign. And so I ask myself, is he my Uzziah? And is this the process in which he will be dethroned? I know I am going through my crisis of encounter, and I intend to come out with a dependency on God (Do i really have much choice?)

Anyway, I think a girl putting pressure on a guy to tell her he likes her is selfish and inconsiderate. Its only for one's self-edification, not for the relationship. what do you think you are going to do? Date? Well then it has to be clear that both of them are ready for that. in our situation, no body is ready to date. everyone is selfish and has their own desires. And they are my friends but they are teenagers. This is just whacked.

yes, that is my story. extracted lyrics which eloquently display my thoughts on a boy...

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

Untitled

yep, that is the ring box. and with it, my life pretty much turns to well, I'm not sure. Pete talked about having peace, why do I not fully have it. I have this nagging feeling that this is all going to be stupid. and hard and I don't really know. I'm confused and people are so whacked. its a sad thing to come to a realization on Christmas Eve that you don't really have any friends. Friends who you can call at two in the morning. I guess its just that all my friends are coupling. there is _________ & _________, _________ & _________, and ________& _________. So where does that leave me, honestly? where do I fit into the mix. Everyone else has a significant other or at least a significant friend and on Christmas its hard to fit into that somewhere. to have my love be christ but have nothing tangible to signify that. I don't really know what to do.
-sarah

to dispell myspace rumors

for those of you who pay even the slightest attention, yes, there is a myspace in my possession. and guess what i am using it for, communication with Sarah Crespo. everyone else you mean a lot to me, but guess what, i have your email addresses. i still love you. but no, i did not back down like others and give in to the addiction. i already had that myspace from a while ago and i used it to communicate with her. yep, I'm thinking of getting my hair cut like hers. that is my story.
-sarah

That Was Me Who Whispered In Your Ear

If you were there the night Sarah sang in Vertical, you know not only how amazing she is and how awesome her singing is, but you as well can remember how great her lyrics are. Sarah is amazing.

That Was Me Who Whispered In Your Ear

That was me
When the wind blew
And you thought someone called your name
I heard your cry
When you thought no one was listening
Let me wipe away your sarrow

(Chorus)
Cuz’ I love you
And I will help you staaannnd
I am reaching out...
Just grab my hand
Just grab my hand

Don’t hurt your self
Cuz’ I made you perfect
You’re more precious than any gold
The pain you feel right now
Can’t compare to how I felt
On the cross
and I did it because…
(chorus)

-Sarah Crespo

Six Year Old Heart

Yesterday was the first time
I felt your love again
You’ve been gone for quite some time
And I can see where I got my smile from

She said you’re not just a memory
But I took a picture in case

Mama said you left this morning
And I don’t know what to say

(chorus) So why’d you come back
Into my life
I bet you didn’t think about
The six year old heart you broke
I’m sorry
But your not my Daddy

Yesterday was the last time
I felt your love again
You’ve been gone for quite some time
Never caught me when I fell
Mama said that you love me… but how can that be?
How can someone love someone so much
If they’re never around to see?
(Chorus)

-Sarah Crespo

A Guy, A Girl, A Vicious Cycle

There was a guy,

And this one girl...

They were the best of friends.

Through the good times and the bad

They knew It'd never end.

He always had his ups and downs,

And she was there to help.

She wiped his tears

And rid his fears

And helped him with his troubles.

As much as she had helped this boy,

He helped her times two thousand.

He dried her tears

And rid her fears

and helped defeat her troubles.

She loved this boy more than anything

And way past little crushing.

But she wasn't brave

So she'd never tell that boy what she really wanted.

Now the day had come to pass

That she thought it was her only chance.

She could say what she wanted,

never again to be so taunted.

finally she got the nerve....

but then she turned away...

For in his arms she found another.

And she hung her head in shame.

She cried herself to sleep that night,

Just like every other.

Won'dring why God has given

Her these feelings unlike all other.

One day that other broke his heart

And left him torn beyond repair.

But the girl was still there for him

And did what others didn't dare.

She picked up even the smallest part.

And put back together his broken heart.

This viscous cycle went on and on

And goes on till this day.

The girl will always love that boy

But she can't only go by what he says.

She found a place to hide her thoughts.

Only doing what she was taught.

But i guess some things are better hidden

Oh well, these thoughts are all forbidden.

~by: Kristen Lott~

a classic blessing

I will rise and go to Jesus
He will embrace me in His arms
And in the arms of my dear Savior
there are ten thousand charms.

Christ holds everything and is all good. We choose to come to Him and fall into His arms becuase He embraces us. He deisres to hold us and hold us close to Him. I honestly believe that God wants to bless us and does so. But His idea of blessing is so different from ours. Blessing looks different to Him. I am reading The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis and it clearly outlines how God is all-good and the trials He has us endure are really a blessing, just the blessing is so radically opposite of our understanding that we take it as punishment when really it is God working in us and working to perfect us.

Follow You Down

Follow You Down by Blindside

It's the smallest things
That have a tendency to hurt for the longest time
It's like you found a way inside

This time I'm not going to follow you down
I'll fall in love with the sound
So push me back and I'll stay the same
And fall in love with the sound of silence

I'm armed but the gun is not loaded
I guess I could find my way out of this
But it's like you found a way inside
And I hate that I suspect you're right

But this time I'm not going to follow you down
I'll fall in love with the sound
So push me back and I'll stay the same
And fall in love with the sound of silence
Silence is golden but golden teeth are so much sharper
It's not easy but I'm biting my tongue off
Even though you're right
Your words lie

This time I'm not going to follow you down
I'll fall in love with the sound
So push me back and I'll stay the same
And fall in love with the sound of silence

Cute Boring Love by Blindside

She said what I was supposed to think
Thank God for freedom
Thank God for liberation (
She said) Now we are allowed to think
Now we are allowed to feel lust without cute boring love

But don't you ever just like me
Long for purity
Don't you ever
Get sick of our territories

What are you so scared of sister
What made you so afraid to feel
To chose a stone cold liberation
The one thing I hate most about me
Is the one thing you want to make your trademark
To feel lust without cute boring love

But don't you ever just like me
Long for purity
Don't you ever
Get sick of our territories
Don't you ever feel like glass
Fragile, hurting, letting it pass
Don't you think it's time to trespass

But when the fire is gone
Who are you?
What are you so scared of sister?
I'm just as scared as you

and i thought it would all be okay...but its not. and that is for once, really just fine. my call is upward. I'm one day closer.

Myspace

Its just an addiction. i partly deleted mine because i was spending too much time on it. time i could be doing other things. but a main reason was because of all of the drama it caused. Lovey comments, weird stuff like that. I didn't need it in my life. it was becoming a useless waste of my time. you wouldnot believe the things i can do without it. The book of ecclesiastes and 2nd thessalonians are really amazing.
Why even have myspace? i have email. if people use myspace to really just keep in touch, give them my email. loveistheway15@gmail.com
that is the way to do everything.
Myspace is not glorifiying or serving christ and my time is better spent cultivating the character he desires in me.
-sarah

Rachel painting faces

Rachel painting faces
Originally uploaded by loveistheway15.

This year was probably one of the most amazing years because we really got to interact with the kids this time around. Rachel and I got to paint faces most of the weekend. and it was so muc fun. all of these kids were Rachel's faces that she painted.
I'm still trying to figure out what is so amazing about getting your face painted. But there is something to it. I should know, considering at least 5 different kids painted my face on the first day. needless to say, i had a hard time washing it off of my face.

Rachel and I

Rachel and I
Originally uploaded by loveistheway15.

The day at the gym was really exciting. The adrenaline is really pumping that day. You go for a long time just standing amongst thousands of kids and trying to speak with them and play and just comfort them with a smile. Rachel and I were so tired but so satisfied. Such a surreal experience requires that you be content with what Christ did no matter what happened. He worked and that is all that mattered, no matter how tired you are.

Denver Pogo-Sticking

Denver Pogo-Sticking
Originally uploaded by loveistheway15.

In Mexico, this is amazing. Denver has perfected the art of pogo-sticking.
I still have not learned, I'm athletically challenged here! But look at Denver's mad skill.

The Real Sam Porter

The Real Sam Porter
Originally uploaded by loveistheway15.

Oh, Sam the murderer. if you think he looks funny here, imagine looking at him as a little mexican man. he does the impersonation really well. Him and his sidekick! Look, there's a quarter! (if you aren't rachel, you don't have to understand)

His glory must be raised above man's good. This weekend was my third OCC trip to Juarez, Mexico. God never ceases to amaze me as he perfectly orchestrates our trip and the people we interact with. This trip especially held certain meaning for me this year. With the occurrences in my life it is easy for me to get sidetracked and just have a hard time dealing. I went into this trip expecting God to change me completly. and he did, but not in the way i intended. it is hard to explain, becuase I'm not perfectly sure i know how I feel after it is all said and done. Yesterday morning I finished 1st thessalonians and started on Ecclesiastes once again. And in thessalonians I read this "May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. may your whole spirit, soul body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. the one who calls you is faithful and he will do it."

Maybe you can start to understand my thoughts. that last verse stuck out to me. "the one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." I know that I love mexico and I know that I love missions, and I was praying constantly as I sat in the hospitals, the gym, and the schools about how God would show that this was his will. And I was reassured that he calls me to something and whatever that is, it will happen. he is calling me to something greater than myself and i want to leave a legacy and I want to be near to God, no matter what that looks like. I want Him to reveal Himself to me.

this year specifically stood out to me in one aspect-the glossed luster of missions was not there. Don't get me wrong, my heart burns and yearns for God's face to be seen in these people's lives. But it looked different this year. I didn't have that spark of "Omigosh i am in mexico and these people are so poor." Its indescribeable. I felt bad for them, but I knew that I could provide nothing for them but the opportunity to know Christ. and that is all that matters. My heart burned for these people we were ministering to more than ever, but it wasn't glossed and artificial. It was the long-lasting feeling I get when I am in the presence of God. I viewed these people as my own and I wasn't pertrubed by them, I smiled at their dirty and dry faces because God is working in them. and honestly, i love them more than anything.

His will will be done.

Holy Fire

Burn away,

my desire for anything

that is not of you

but is of me

I want more of you

and less of me

empty me, empty me,

fill me, with You, with You

Until later,

sarah

email me the theories concerning the below blog at my email address. loveistheway15@gmail.com
that would be swell. I want to come home and have email. which I doubt, I mean, who reads my blog anyway? which is good, they might be afraid of me if they did.

Why do I even keep this blog? It is a day before I leave for Mexico, and already I can't wait. A six hour drive, including all of the times Steve and everyone will get lost plus getting over the border. What will God show me? I am already up to my ears in reading i have to do by the end of the semester, and poems I have to write, and friends I have to talk to. (well not have to, but its like there cna be so many of them, how can I keep track?) Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, or at least those who could be defined as real friends. But I'm getting that eery feeling that I'm being replaced by the ones who I care about most. By the way, if you are a morning person, you should tell me and maybe I will ask you to marry me. Trust me, only Josh and Shealeen will understand that proposal. I promise I won't propose though.
Which leads to another thought. What is up with all of this crazy crap about telling the person that you like that you like them? Its like, one of the "couples" that i look up to most haven't even voiced to each other how they feel (obviously they both know though) and its been a whole year that they have felt that way. And its like, you like someone for a month and you can't hold it in any longer? its just weighing upon your soul so heavily? I don't at all understand that. This is my opinion, I'm not trying to shove it down your throat, I just don't get the point of telling someone you like them at our age. At least after just one month. I mean, what happens in a year if you don't like that person any more? If you've told someone you like them, please explain this theory to me, what can't you wait for? Especially if you are a girl. Guys are supposed to lead. oh that whole scene is so confusing and someone needs to do a documentary on it that explains it in plain and logical language. But is love ever logical? And how do you know its love and not infatuation?
I'm still looking for a definition on that. well, that is my blog for the day. I will be in Mexico, so no need to fear if I am not blogging, I will be walking to the corner store with Bob Church and getting pistacio ice cream and strawberries and cream. and it should be amazing! GOD is the focus and serving too. For once, i can get away from that drama of relationships. Its so crazy, so I wonder what God wants to do through it.
Until later-
sarah

I would have more easily been able to explain polynomials and greek influnces than tell you what God is trying to do in our lives. Why He puts us through tough times and He never stops molding us. For so long, I've built walls around myself in order to keep my hurt to myself and keep the pain from being known. Yet, I've found in my four walls that I'm useless. That God can't use me when I limit both Him and myself. This is all to the glory of God even when I don't feel like I have friends, and my family is going crazy, and boys are being boys. this is to his glory. and no matter what is going on, he is behind the scenes making every work for his plan.

This sickness is not unto death but to the glory of God that the Son of God may be glorified through it. -John 11:4

jesus, i'm ready to come home

You may view me as a child
But my eyes have seen
And my heart has been through
More than would be qualified for a child.
Acts which no one could prevent
That have molded me.
I may define me as an adult,
But I am not perfectly wise,
My life is not finished
I have not learned all there is to learn.
He may see me as a vessel,
And He has the right idea,
Which He will fill with priceless wisdom,
Time and experience,
Soon we will not know
If I am a child or an adult.

Music blaring loudly,
Emery and Underoath
Lyrics flood my thoughts
The overwhelming feelings of the day
Are put to rest
When I lay in bed
And those words reflect my struggle.
The events I don’t understand
Don’t know how to deal with.
Amidst the present doubt,
I’m still trusting,
Even when my feet fall
From beneath me-
“I know that whatever God does,
It shall be forever.
Nothing can be added to it,
And nothing taken from it.
God does it
That men should fear before Him.”
In this loving promise,
I’ve come to trust.
In his sovereign control,
The perfect plan he has.
His grace and mercy
Abounding and saving me.
“Desperate to brush the lips of grace
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I lied?
Oh sweet angel of mercy
With your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me.”
Lyrics reassuring desperately,
It was perfectly planned,
I was appointed from eternity.
“The chains of death are falling,
But my heart still bleeds
It longs for the day”
Each day is one closer,
To eternity,
The world which satisfies
The longings of my heart.

I’ve learned that everything perfects for that day
Each day, a way to survive
Love is the way
Unfailing love that covers.
Forgives and heals the broken heart
My own mistakes made me push away
The love that could be mine.
Trust is the anchor
Belief in One who never fails me.
All else has,
Human nature lacks perfect and true love
But I will have it one day.
Hope is the path
Which we must walk
But it leads into
The arms of love
Into ten thousand charms.
I await the day
I’m ready
I know these days are numbered
I was made for another world
To rest in the arms of love.

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."-C.S. Lewis

a poem and nothing more

Everything is against me
I don’t understand
These happenings
This death
This sickness
It’s too much to handle.
Happiness is absent
Like the light a candle brings
The knowledge of how to posses
Is the one thing I lack.
Yet you came to a wretch like me
And fulfilled my desires.
Replaced the longings
I found all I needed in You,
I found all you were trying to do.
You chose a vessel with which to glorify
Your name eternally.
Now lacking nothing
Now resting peacefully
Life complete
Life so deep.


If there's anything necessary to your eternal happiness but God, you're not the kind of Christian that you ought to be. For only God is the true rest.If we cannot believe God when circumstances seem to be against us, we do not believe Him at all.
-Charles Spurgeon