Pete gave one of the greatest messages on wednesday night. and it really applied to my life. will you listen while i share with you what God is teaching me?
In short, simply that rushing God does no good. I was wondering, should I tell him how I feel, what is hurting me, and then can I run away from that problem, and never deal with it. Just forget about the pain and take that component out of my life? and God said "NO WAY SARAH!"
I was reading On Being a Servant, ironically enough, and I clearly felt Him saying, I want you to stay, but wait for me, keep your heart pure, and I will work it out for you. But you must give me control. so now I'm waiting to see what he will do. I gave him control and lifting off that burden is so good. I think it is the greatest.
s
Friday, October 28, 2005
this is what i want in life
Six weeks from today, I will have been up for 4 or 5 hours playing cards at the compound. Missions has changed my life. Everything about it. The way I view my problems, my posssessions, and mostly God. Nothing so radically alters your life than being with 50 or 75 people for an entire weekend, and not having everything you want, but going out and serving those who are in need, sharing with them the love that Christ has for them. Mexico, and Missions in general, represents so much to me. I rededicated my life at the Weekend 04 but God softened my heart the December before. I was a Christian, meaning I believed that Christ died for me and rose again, but the reality of Christ in my life was a distant thing. He was not the ruler and my personal savior. That mission trip made me turn to God in my desperate times when I was grieving my cousin. As I stood right in the place where he had fallen, the Lifehouse song ran through my mind "And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you." God brought me to a place that I dreaded and cut through my heart, revealing my true need for him.
Likewise, I met one of my best friends while on an OCC Mexico trip. Rachel and I have been friends for two years that weekend. when you are the only two girls in a dormroom full of snoring women, trust me you get really close. Rachel has impacted my life in so many ways, and just makes me smile on a regular basis. And I know that Christ completely worked in that relationship. So this holds our two year anniversery of being friends. And without a doubt, we will celebrate that every December from now on. Happy Birthday to Us!
That weekend, Christ stirred in me a passion that my heart cannot explain. I'll confess that out-of-country missions is all I want. If it was up to me I would do it for the rest of my life. But God holds my future, and that might not be the forward motion that he has in store, but oh how I wish it was. God has taught me that ministry isn't just in the slums. Service is an opportunity that is generally opened every moment of everyday.
Ministry takes place when divine resources meet human needs through loving channels to the glory of God.
-On Being A Servant
Likewise, I met one of my best friends while on an OCC Mexico trip. Rachel and I have been friends for two years that weekend. when you are the only two girls in a dormroom full of snoring women, trust me you get really close. Rachel has impacted my life in so many ways, and just makes me smile on a regular basis. And I know that Christ completely worked in that relationship. So this holds our two year anniversery of being friends. And without a doubt, we will celebrate that every December from now on. Happy Birthday to Us!
That weekend, Christ stirred in me a passion that my heart cannot explain. I'll confess that out-of-country missions is all I want. If it was up to me I would do it for the rest of my life. But God holds my future, and that might not be the forward motion that he has in store, but oh how I wish it was. God has taught me that ministry isn't just in the slums. Service is an opportunity that is generally opened every moment of everyday.
Ministry takes place when divine resources meet human needs through loving channels to the glory of God.
-On Being A Servant
Monday, October 24, 2005
brought to you...
to be called to follow Christ is a high honor; higher indeed than any honor men can bestow upon each other-A.W. Tozer
Every wrong thing that i see in you, God finds in me.-Oswald Chambers
Obedience to God is the most infallible evidence of sincere and supreme love to Him.-Nathaneal Emmons
I find the doing of the will of God leaves me no time for disputing about his plans-George MacDonald
I love to hear my Lord spoken of, and wherever I have seen the print of His shoe in the earth, there have I coveted to put mine also. --John Bunyan
"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."--C.S. Lewis , from Mere Christianity
A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell.--C.S. Lewis
No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. --C. S. Lewis
Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours. --C. S. Lewis
If there's anything necessary to your eternal happiness but God, you're not the kind of Christian that you ought to be. For only God is the true rest." A.W. Tozer, Attributes of God
"The Chief end of man is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever."…-A.W. Tozer
If we cannot believe God when circumstances seem to be against us, we do not believe Him at all. -Charles Spurgeon
Every wrong thing that i see in you, God finds in me.-Oswald Chambers
Obedience to God is the most infallible evidence of sincere and supreme love to Him.-Nathaneal Emmons
I find the doing of the will of God leaves me no time for disputing about his plans-George MacDonald
I love to hear my Lord spoken of, and wherever I have seen the print of His shoe in the earth, there have I coveted to put mine also. --John Bunyan
"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."--C.S. Lewis , from Mere Christianity
A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell.--C.S. Lewis
No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. --C. S. Lewis
Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours. --C. S. Lewis
If there's anything necessary to your eternal happiness but God, you're not the kind of Christian that you ought to be. For only God is the true rest." A.W. Tozer, Attributes of God
"The Chief end of man is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever."…-A.W. Tozer
If we cannot believe God when circumstances seem to be against us, we do not believe Him at all. -Charles Spurgeon
The final draft
My finger slid along the edge of the key, creasing my pointer temporarily. Harder I squeezed as I read the words on the page, taking in air shortly. Twisting with dread, my gut felt like it was being kicked with every word that dripped with resentment. Unable to handle any more, I wiped tears from my eyes and neatly folded the letter. Eyes lingering on the letters gathered to make words that acted as daggers, my mind floated back to the question that everyone had asked of me.
Guitar chords blaring, music split the air, breaking any peace that could be attained in a concert auditorium. Last minute preparations, a nagging responsibility, had to be made. As a manager, I was to bring passion to the music as rain brings moisture to the dry ground, and take care of those who ushered the music into the world, regardless of the neglect I showed for myself. My feelings and mood could not dictate my performance. It could not lack no matter how weary I was. Having completed my tasks, I took a seat on the concrete steps backstage. Security began to allow attendees into the convention center. The lights dimmed, but the florescent spotlights lingered, illuminating only a small section of the crowd. Eyes gazing out over the arena, darkness seemed to pull everything under a black sheet, never to release them. Blackness gripped me tightly, holding my attention, unwavering and devoted. A sudden change in decibels broke my train of thought and caused the black monster to withdraw.
What is wrong with me? The bright colors of the concert shirts, the screaming of the crowd, loud and prone-to-moshing, but mostly the thrill of traveling city-to-city no longer excited me. It had only been 20 days. Twenty days since my family had slightly loosened their grip, and let me slide through their hand like grains of sand. I had been granted permission to do what I wanted. However, this feeling of isolation wasn’t what I desired.
The last remaining body in the convention center, I stood frozen for a moment. Now fully illuminated yet vacant, the auditorium was barren. The silence overtook me. The emptiness swallowed me, and the tears were finding a way to their newly found home. My chest fluctuated as sobs echoed throughout the hall. Hands clutching at my knees to remain stable, I was unwilling to pitifully fall to the ground. The letter descended with my forward movement, floating to the ground. Staring at the envelope with remorse, their words made clear that I was neglecting everything I held dear. I had done wrong to everyone, including myself. I had left them for 36 days without a thought. It was only right that they be discontented. The nice cursive letters looked all too sweet on the front of the envelope, but they held feelings of bitter resentment. The daggers stabbed at my heart once again. I turned down the lights, but the question they asked of me remained. “Where were you when I was alone…”
Guitar chords blaring, music split the air, breaking any peace that could be attained in a concert auditorium. Last minute preparations, a nagging responsibility, had to be made. As a manager, I was to bring passion to the music as rain brings moisture to the dry ground, and take care of those who ushered the music into the world, regardless of the neglect I showed for myself. My feelings and mood could not dictate my performance. It could not lack no matter how weary I was. Having completed my tasks, I took a seat on the concrete steps backstage. Security began to allow attendees into the convention center. The lights dimmed, but the florescent spotlights lingered, illuminating only a small section of the crowd. Eyes gazing out over the arena, darkness seemed to pull everything under a black sheet, never to release them. Blackness gripped me tightly, holding my attention, unwavering and devoted. A sudden change in decibels broke my train of thought and caused the black monster to withdraw.
What is wrong with me? The bright colors of the concert shirts, the screaming of the crowd, loud and prone-to-moshing, but mostly the thrill of traveling city-to-city no longer excited me. It had only been 20 days. Twenty days since my family had slightly loosened their grip, and let me slide through their hand like grains of sand. I had been granted permission to do what I wanted. However, this feeling of isolation wasn’t what I desired.
The last remaining body in the convention center, I stood frozen for a moment. Now fully illuminated yet vacant, the auditorium was barren. The silence overtook me. The emptiness swallowed me, and the tears were finding a way to their newly found home. My chest fluctuated as sobs echoed throughout the hall. Hands clutching at my knees to remain stable, I was unwilling to pitifully fall to the ground. The letter descended with my forward movement, floating to the ground. Staring at the envelope with remorse, their words made clear that I was neglecting everything I held dear. I had done wrong to everyone, including myself. I had left them for 36 days without a thought. It was only right that they be discontented. The nice cursive letters looked all too sweet on the front of the envelope, but they held feelings of bitter resentment. The daggers stabbed at my heart once again. I turned down the lights, but the question they asked of me remained. “Where were you when I was alone…”
It defines romance
My friend Michelle Angela Lovette wrote this. She'll be in Albuquerque SOON! back from the land of California.
Chesterton wrote: "Thus comes the thing called Romance, a purely Christian product. A man cannot deserve adventures; he cannot earn dragons and hippogriffs. The mediaeval Europe which asserted humility gained Romance; the civilization which gained Romance has gained the habitable globe"
A guy from my Classics group commented:However, to take something as large as Romance and say that it is a purely Christian product seemed a bit much (p22). Does he mean Christ's pursual of us in it's patience and perseverance is romantic to the point that it defines Romance?
So these are my forming thoughts...Romance-what is it? I consider it safe to presume that the initial inclination is to pin it to purely the lovey-dovey feeling that seems to shroud and envelope two individuals into...well...a subreality of themselves. To confine it to wooing and flirting and excitement...But is that all it is? What is it? A quality or feeling...sure....Is it possible that it is an awakening of a profound desire for an everlasting(...love). In joking, I boasted, "that guy lost his chance with me!" A friend responded, "Well, Michelle, if there were that reality of love between you two, there never was a chance to be had, it just happens." I was silenced. Romance isn't a chance here today, gone tomorrow. It is a gradual unfolding of splendor into your very being--in direct relation to another being. It is the splendor all persons long for...I believe it is beyond the butterfly love, but it is a security, an adoration, a submission, a peace, it is the something that a soul longs for. It is a mystical occurrence between two, because it is birthed from the response of one to their one and only caller. I am a bit stuck here, because I believe it resides in a dormant state, but, somehow, our carnal nature attempts to define it only through the means it can...through the senses. (But if romance is in a quiescent state within us, how do we know it is there?)The unabated satisfaction is very rarely reached because it can only be awakened by a specific entity and I believe that people seek it out in unfulfillable ways. The impulsiveness of our corporeal selves will find satisfaction , but the pleasure is fleeting. I am probably somewhat cloudy in thought here, because I am still forming my understanding. Please feel free to comment.So, how then is Romance a Christian product? Yep, that's right! It was packaged with bright red paper and labeled in pink letters by official church clergy of Jesus Christ-----------------------> No, that is wrong; romance is not a formula to follow.It wasn't 'invented' at the 'establishment of Christianity'. The fact of the matter, is that Christianity did not begin with the resurrection of Jesus. Christianity did not "begin" with the gathering of a few people to talk about the teachings of a man named Yeshua. Christianity isn't an institution that was established to dish out recipes on how to live. Christianity...well, is God. It "began" with God, everything is made through him and not without him anything is made... romance precedes even the beginning of time...if that can be conceived with your mind. I attempt to grasp it, but it is like a slick little toad between my feeble fingers. Christianity is the term we use, but it's essence is outside of time. Romance is a movement between two entities, two very specific entities at that. What is so unique about Romance, as Chesterton emphasizes, is that it cannot be earned. Give a girl a bouquet after she has won the title of 'Miss Universe'. "Well, gee, thanks (teary eyed) Gosh! I'm wonderful! Thanks!" Now give a girl a bouquet-be it purchased from a florist or hand-picked from a field, or heck, drawn on a sheet of paper. Why? Well, just because...just because you adore her. Oh wow, oh my!Do you remember Popeye the Sailor Man? Brutus had his schemes at wooing Olive Oyl and sometimes she entertained his pursuits , but, ultimately, Popeye was the only one. Now, romance experienced at the sensual level is surely wonderful, but what is even greater is the pursual of an undeserving soul. To be rescued from the dungeons of doom, the dragons that breathe deceit, the weeping and gnashing of teeth. To be sought out, when you never ever deserved it. It isn't a handsome knight rescuing a princess because her beauty is unprecedented, but because his love for her is completed once he has her. She hasn't done anything to deserve being rescued. Christ was whipped, ridiculed, stabbed, and pierced for me. He just wanted to. And in the end, something grand happens...it isn't the showering with gifts galore, but an indwelling of the very self of the pursuer; to have the dull slate within you painted with the most vibrant of colors. That is what romance is.
Chesterton wrote: "Thus comes the thing called Romance, a purely Christian product. A man cannot deserve adventures; he cannot earn dragons and hippogriffs. The mediaeval Europe which asserted humility gained Romance; the civilization which gained Romance has gained the habitable globe"
A guy from my Classics group commented:However, to take something as large as Romance and say that it is a purely Christian product seemed a bit much (p22). Does he mean Christ's pursual of us in it's patience and perseverance is romantic to the point that it defines Romance?
So these are my forming thoughts...Romance-what is it? I consider it safe to presume that the initial inclination is to pin it to purely the lovey-dovey feeling that seems to shroud and envelope two individuals into...well...a subreality of themselves. To confine it to wooing and flirting and excitement...But is that all it is? What is it? A quality or feeling...sure....Is it possible that it is an awakening of a profound desire for an everlasting(...love). In joking, I boasted, "that guy lost his chance with me!" A friend responded, "Well, Michelle, if there were that reality of love between you two, there never was a chance to be had, it just happens." I was silenced. Romance isn't a chance here today, gone tomorrow. It is a gradual unfolding of splendor into your very being--in direct relation to another being. It is the splendor all persons long for...I believe it is beyond the butterfly love, but it is a security, an adoration, a submission, a peace, it is the something that a soul longs for. It is a mystical occurrence between two, because it is birthed from the response of one to their one and only caller. I am a bit stuck here, because I believe it resides in a dormant state, but, somehow, our carnal nature attempts to define it only through the means it can...through the senses. (But if romance is in a quiescent state within us, how do we know it is there?)The unabated satisfaction is very rarely reached because it can only be awakened by a specific entity and I believe that people seek it out in unfulfillable ways. The impulsiveness of our corporeal selves will find satisfaction , but the pleasure is fleeting. I am probably somewhat cloudy in thought here, because I am still forming my understanding. Please feel free to comment.So, how then is Romance a Christian product? Yep, that's right! It was packaged with bright red paper and labeled in pink letters by official church clergy of Jesus Christ-----------------------> No, that is wrong; romance is not a formula to follow.It wasn't 'invented' at the 'establishment of Christianity'. The fact of the matter, is that Christianity did not begin with the resurrection of Jesus. Christianity did not "begin" with the gathering of a few people to talk about the teachings of a man named Yeshua. Christianity isn't an institution that was established to dish out recipes on how to live. Christianity...well, is God. It "began" with God, everything is made through him and not without him anything is made... romance precedes even the beginning of time...if that can be conceived with your mind. I attempt to grasp it, but it is like a slick little toad between my feeble fingers. Christianity is the term we use, but it's essence is outside of time. Romance is a movement between two entities, two very specific entities at that. What is so unique about Romance, as Chesterton emphasizes, is that it cannot be earned. Give a girl a bouquet after she has won the title of 'Miss Universe'. "Well, gee, thanks (teary eyed) Gosh! I'm wonderful! Thanks!" Now give a girl a bouquet-be it purchased from a florist or hand-picked from a field, or heck, drawn on a sheet of paper. Why? Well, just because...just because you adore her. Oh wow, oh my!Do you remember Popeye the Sailor Man? Brutus had his schemes at wooing Olive Oyl and sometimes she entertained his pursuits , but, ultimately, Popeye was the only one. Now, romance experienced at the sensual level is surely wonderful, but what is even greater is the pursual of an undeserving soul. To be rescued from the dungeons of doom, the dragons that breathe deceit, the weeping and gnashing of teeth. To be sought out, when you never ever deserved it. It isn't a handsome knight rescuing a princess because her beauty is unprecedented, but because his love for her is completed once he has her. She hasn't done anything to deserve being rescued. Christ was whipped, ridiculed, stabbed, and pierced for me. He just wanted to. And in the end, something grand happens...it isn't the showering with gifts galore, but an indwelling of the very self of the pursuer; to have the dull slate within you painted with the most vibrant of colors. That is what romance is.
I feel as though I can’t express these word so I spill from my finger tips,
Never letting go of the pen I’ve been writing with.
If I sever my hand I may stop the bleeding,
my heart cant take in what I’ve been feeding.
This anger inside me needs to be let out,
I feel though that it will take more than a shout.
This thought has become more than a sin,
Its become a lust that I wish I had no part in.
This desire for what is wrong, I let build up inside of me for far to long,
This is something that needs to be taken care of,
Forgive me please, I can’t even love.
If you wont leave me now in my place of regret,
I will be forced to leave you and send out for another net.
Something that will grab me, constrict me and hold me,
I don’t want to be set loose for this thing that overcomes me.
Is it wrong that I can’t love you?
Its all in my heart and I cant seem to true.
I’ve been hiding it for all this time,
But now that you finally know my life has no rhyme.
I can’t ever love you, and I don’t even care,
I’ve lost all my conscience and now heart never seems to tear.
Is it wrong that I can’t love you? Is it wrong that I never will?
Did I ever seem to taunt you? Or is it just me with the lust to kill?
These thoughts I try never to entertain,
But every time I try not to I fell a hard pouring rain.
It makes me want something I don’t,
Please just get away and I so I cant even touch you, I promise I wont.
I leave you with this final note,
For this sickness that I have there is only one antidote.
Some one to come inside of your life,
He will change you and take away your strife.
Even though we have this over-compelling discord,
We just need to cry out to our Lord.
He's the only one who can save us now,
Though we thought there was nothing we could do as the oxen pulls the plow.
Is it wrong that don’t love you?
Cause I probably never will.
-Joshua Rickett
(one of the sweetest peole in the world, and one of the greatest writers.)
Never letting go of the pen I’ve been writing with.
If I sever my hand I may stop the bleeding,
my heart cant take in what I’ve been feeding.
This anger inside me needs to be let out,
I feel though that it will take more than a shout.
This thought has become more than a sin,
Its become a lust that I wish I had no part in.
This desire for what is wrong, I let build up inside of me for far to long,
This is something that needs to be taken care of,
Forgive me please, I can’t even love.
If you wont leave me now in my place of regret,
I will be forced to leave you and send out for another net.
Something that will grab me, constrict me and hold me,
I don’t want to be set loose for this thing that overcomes me.
Is it wrong that I can’t love you?
Its all in my heart and I cant seem to true.
I’ve been hiding it for all this time,
But now that you finally know my life has no rhyme.
I can’t ever love you, and I don’t even care,
I’ve lost all my conscience and now heart never seems to tear.
Is it wrong that I can’t love you? Is it wrong that I never will?
Did I ever seem to taunt you? Or is it just me with the lust to kill?
These thoughts I try never to entertain,
But every time I try not to I fell a hard pouring rain.
It makes me want something I don’t,
Please just get away and I so I cant even touch you, I promise I wont.
I leave you with this final note,
For this sickness that I have there is only one antidote.
Some one to come inside of your life,
He will change you and take away your strife.
Even though we have this over-compelling discord,
We just need to cry out to our Lord.
He's the only one who can save us now,
Though we thought there was nothing we could do as the oxen pulls the plow.
Is it wrong that don’t love you?
Cause I probably never will.
-Joshua Rickett
(one of the sweetest peole in the world, and one of the greatest writers.)
Sunday, October 23, 2005
I'm tired, i just want to go home
i'm tired of all of this. i'm tired of him doing this to me. and i won't take it any more.
these tears are too worthy for him. In short, he's stupid and he doesn't know it or maybe he does. either way, he is playing with me, and i'm tired of it. our friendship is becoming a burden because he's being a jerk. what am i supposed to do? keep letting him do this? what should i do?
these tears are too worthy for him. In short, he's stupid and he doesn't know it or maybe he does. either way, he is playing with me, and i'm tired of it. our friendship is becoming a burden because he's being a jerk. what am i supposed to do? keep letting him do this? what should i do?
Friday, October 14, 2005
I lost my way and there’s no way to get back,
The knowledge of how to get home is the one thing I lack.
There’s something inside of me that tells me to leave
But I cant listen to a word I say, I cant even breathe.
I’m lost in this place that scares me to leave,
(But I’m too scared to stay.)
I’ve lost so much now it’s so hard to believe,
(I’ve tried to run away.)
Things are getting worse in every situation
(I try but I fail)
The more I think, it moves along the contemplation.
(There’s no where to sail.)
You tell me it’s easy but I’m telling you its not
(Maybe your write but I hate to be wrong)
I’m sick of this place I’m in, I just need to be caught.
(Now I wish you so long.)
I’m lost in my mind and I don’t know where to go
(Things are so black that I’ve lost my way)
I really really wanted to, I can’t even show.
(My voice has caught up but I still have nothing to say.)
The words I meant for you have escaped my lungs,
But so has the breath in me, I fell like I’m speaking in tongues.
I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused ill leave you alone,
I’ll die in my resting place without even shown.
-Joshua Rickett
The knowledge of how to get home is the one thing I lack.
There’s something inside of me that tells me to leave
But I cant listen to a word I say, I cant even breathe.
I’m lost in this place that scares me to leave,
(But I’m too scared to stay.)
I’ve lost so much now it’s so hard to believe,
(I’ve tried to run away.)
Things are getting worse in every situation
(I try but I fail)
The more I think, it moves along the contemplation.
(There’s no where to sail.)
You tell me it’s easy but I’m telling you its not
(Maybe your write but I hate to be wrong)
I’m sick of this place I’m in, I just need to be caught.
(Now I wish you so long.)
I’m lost in my mind and I don’t know where to go
(Things are so black that I’ve lost my way)
I really really wanted to, I can’t even show.
(My voice has caught up but I still have nothing to say.)
The words I meant for you have escaped my lungs,
But so has the breath in me, I fell like I’m speaking in tongues.
I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused ill leave you alone,
I’ll die in my resting place without even shown.
-Joshua Rickett
Thursday, October 13, 2005
This will be forever...
I'm finally finding that that I can't add
What you do will endure forever.
Its not my actions that will add to yours.
They will only leave me in the same position.
But You've been truthful all along,
and I've pushed you away and been wrong.
Now you're leading me back,
and this will be forever...
After my mistakes
I still haven't disturbed
the state of solidness that you have endured
I haven't messed up what you have concluded
I cannot fall out of your plan
But you've been truthful all along
And I've pushed you away and been wrong.
Now you're leading me back,
and this will be forever.
Seeing that I can't affect this,
plan you've created at the first.
I'm finally fearing your presence,
your plan is my story and I'm left without a pencil or eraser.
But you've been truthful all along
And I've pushed you away and been wrong.
Now you're leading me back,
and this will be forever...
What you do will endure forever.
Its not my actions that will add to yours.
They will only leave me in the same position.
But You've been truthful all along,
and I've pushed you away and been wrong.
Now you're leading me back,
and this will be forever...
After my mistakes
I still haven't disturbed
the state of solidness that you have endured
I haven't messed up what you have concluded
I cannot fall out of your plan
But you've been truthful all along
And I've pushed you away and been wrong.
Now you're leading me back,
and this will be forever.
Seeing that I can't affect this,
plan you've created at the first.
I'm finally fearing your presence,
your plan is my story and I'm left without a pencil or eraser.
But you've been truthful all along
And I've pushed you away and been wrong.
Now you're leading me back,
and this will be forever...
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
For the moments i feel faint...
I'm finally finding that I can't keep waiting,
That perhaps you are ever lost.
That my efforts mean nothing,
You will do what you want even at the cost of my heart.
You will always fail me even though I wish you wouldn't.
And I will always fail you even when it seems I couldn't.
I've tried so hard to be everything to you
As you have been everything to me.
But now I dethrone you,
and strip you of your power.
Did you think me childish,
not soon to understand your ways?
You are a human and your cunning tricks have captivated me too long.
I have given you power and you have used it wrongly,
you have played and fooled with me.
And even if you claim no responsibility, I am sure of your knowledge.
For even your heart is not so hardened,
And I have held on but perhaps now,
I'm realizing why you have stuck around.
Perhaps for her or him,
either way, your motives were untrue.
You could not clearly begin to understand
that you should have influenced me for Him.
And now that you hold no power over me,
You will know by my rebuttal of your attentions,
That I am serious in my convictions.
My heart has been ravaged by many who claim good intentions,
And for some time it may have been true,
But in the end, you did nothing but harm.
And even the good times are not worthy of the pain you have caused.
This is my apology for not being what you wanted.
I'm sorry that I am now fully satisfied
In the breath of life, the savior of my soul.
He will never fail me, and never let go.
Just know that you hold no power,
He has found my heart,
And trust me, He will not let go.
That perhaps you are ever lost.
That my efforts mean nothing,
You will do what you want even at the cost of my heart.
You will always fail me even though I wish you wouldn't.
And I will always fail you even when it seems I couldn't.
I've tried so hard to be everything to you
As you have been everything to me.
But now I dethrone you,
and strip you of your power.
Did you think me childish,
not soon to understand your ways?
You are a human and your cunning tricks have captivated me too long.
I have given you power and you have used it wrongly,
you have played and fooled with me.
And even if you claim no responsibility, I am sure of your knowledge.
For even your heart is not so hardened,
And I have held on but perhaps now,
I'm realizing why you have stuck around.
Perhaps for her or him,
either way, your motives were untrue.
You could not clearly begin to understand
that you should have influenced me for Him.
And now that you hold no power over me,
You will know by my rebuttal of your attentions,
That I am serious in my convictions.
My heart has been ravaged by many who claim good intentions,
And for some time it may have been true,
But in the end, you did nothing but harm.
And even the good times are not worthy of the pain you have caused.
This is my apology for not being what you wanted.
I'm sorry that I am now fully satisfied
In the breath of life, the savior of my soul.
He will never fail me, and never let go.
Just know that you hold no power,
He has found my heart,
And trust me, He will not let go.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
but my voice is weak
What would you say if you knew how I felt?
if you understood the pain and chaos that ensues when you aren't around
My words have been silently uttered
for I am not bold in my voice,
you have claimed a listening ear
but perhaps you are too deaf.
your senses are not keen to pain
as you have never felt it.
Your refining process comes later,
so you do not understand mine right now.
I will be there
I will follow you and comfort you in any way.
The roads we walk are separate,
but I will still try my best to reach out to you
because that is what I need right now.
I will not claim to fully understand
or just sit and listen to your struggles.
but I will encourage and I will ask you to look to God
Reminding you of His love and plan
for I have surely felt it.
But I request that you not give me your surface-level advice
or claim to know when you don't.
There is nothing that hurts more.
some day you will understand my reluctance in sharing
when you are in the same position.
But I hope to be available to you even when you have been absent for me.
if you understood the pain and chaos that ensues when you aren't around
My words have been silently uttered
for I am not bold in my voice,
you have claimed a listening ear
but perhaps you are too deaf.
your senses are not keen to pain
as you have never felt it.
Your refining process comes later,
so you do not understand mine right now.
I will be there
I will follow you and comfort you in any way.
The roads we walk are separate,
but I will still try my best to reach out to you
because that is what I need right now.
I will not claim to fully understand
or just sit and listen to your struggles.
but I will encourage and I will ask you to look to God
Reminding you of His love and plan
for I have surely felt it.
But I request that you not give me your surface-level advice
or claim to know when you don't.
There is nothing that hurts more.
some day you will understand my reluctance in sharing
when you are in the same position.
But I hope to be available to you even when you have been absent for me.
But my voice is weak and your ear is not yet strong.
Your voice will be weak, but hopefully my ear will be strong.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
could it be that i don't know...
hey this is the first draft of the first serious poem i have ever written. so youcan be nice and tell me what you really think. come on it was just for fun.
Will your promises be broken,
and will you fail my heart once again?
Every part that I have devoted to you
the fragments that have labeled over and over again.
Whose owners have been numerous
and yet none have ever satisfied the cravings.
And now I stand here,
in the midst of silence.
Will my heart be satisfied on this Earth?
Will the world which I was made for finally appear?
My yearnings have not been fulfilled,
and my heart is not at rest.
But as the owner of it,
I demand its immediate withdrawl from depression.
Before the encounter which shaped my humanity,
the pieces of my existence were carefully sectioned off.
Owners were many and fleeting,
until the dawn of that day.
By grabbing fullfillment everywhere,
I found it nowhere.
Until my crisis of encounter,
I wandered, lost and forlorn,
And devoted my heart to nothing but my own wants.
But He intended to meet my needs.
He reserved his secrets for those who
sought after him with their whole hearts.
At this, I readily surrendered my heart,
completely and utterly to His love.
Breaking the bonds and chains which had held me in captivity
for I found in him all I needed.
His throne is everlasting,
and now that he is rightfully placed, he will not be moved.
Will your promises be broken,
and will you fail my heart once again?
Every part that I have devoted to you
the fragments that have labeled over and over again.
Whose owners have been numerous
and yet none have ever satisfied the cravings.
And now I stand here,
in the midst of silence.
Will my heart be satisfied on this Earth?
Will the world which I was made for finally appear?
My yearnings have not been fulfilled,
and my heart is not at rest.
But as the owner of it,
I demand its immediate withdrawl from depression.
Before the encounter which shaped my humanity,
the pieces of my existence were carefully sectioned off.
Owners were many and fleeting,
until the dawn of that day.
By grabbing fullfillment everywhere,
I found it nowhere.
Until my crisis of encounter,
I wandered, lost and forlorn,
And devoted my heart to nothing but my own wants.
But He intended to meet my needs.
He reserved his secrets for those who
sought after him with their whole hearts.
At this, I readily surrendered my heart,
completely and utterly to His love.
Breaking the bonds and chains which had held me in captivity
for I found in him all I needed.
His throne is everlasting,
and now that he is rightfully placed, he will not be moved.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
refuse the mourning
For once, my day was hard, yet totally spectacular. my basic summarization: awesome and amazine. this whole weekend has been great. First the Corpse Bride, then fitting all of us in Manda's car, and then watching the videos of the boys as fetuses. yes, it did make me cry. In short, simply great. and then my uncles came into town because my grandpa is going to die-not so spectacular, but it is cool having all of the family in town. and then church was just great. Nick taught and it was amazine. OCC started and that is just great. already i am being recruited to present at HOPE again. that is crazy, it felt like just yesterday i was doing the same thing. I totally got to hang out with one of my FAVORITE people like all night last night at church and all day today so i'm doing just well. Steamers were really good. it is truly a die hard tradition that we must keep alive. God was quietly blessing me and it was evident to me that He was telling me that it will all get better. That these wounds will heal and that the scars will forever be a reminder of my need to depend on him completely. He is all i need. Good or bad, my lips will praise him.
until later-
sarah
until later-
sarah
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