thoughts

What happens now? That I've found what I've been wanting. When I turned away for so long? When I was afraid to admit what I wanted? The tricky thing about life is that there are those who are constantly trying to please people and I don't mean that in a bad way. Because not all of them are "people-pleasers" That is without a doubt fairly confusing but what I mean is this. there are those who are willing to change everything about themselves and there are those who are willing to comprimise what they really want becuase they figure if that person thinks it is cool, it can't be that bad. Never again will I do that. I've never sinned within that, or gone against what I know is godly. I don't comprimise in that way and I never want to. Doubtless, I probably will, but I'm trying my best to allow Christ to burn away what is not of Him in my life. the hardest thing about that is that God lets you know, which is really a blessing not a curse. He picks you up when you are falling on your face and stands you where you are facing the right direction and he starts giving you the first few steps. Just in the past week, God has really taken a parked car like me and completely altered my direction. There have been at least four things that have changed me.

My conversation with Patrick.
My conversation with Neil.
My teacher's comment about my teaching.
My conversation with Sam.

God gives us signs and helps us. that is perfectly amazing. I'm going to try to not make the mistake of doing anything like t his ever again. I know the direction for my life. and I know my Jesus.

So it is four hours before I leave for mexico. it feels like just yesterday, I was writing a blog about leaving for mexico. How exciting. Yet, then again, it doesnt feel like "Omigosh i am going to mexico!" Should I be more excited? Should I be perfectly enthralled with this? I mean, I am completely excited, but it isn't like a fake luster. I am excited to serve. And I am waiting and trusting that this weekend God will show me more of His heart and His plan for me. I mean, I am anticipating this like crazy. All that he will do.

All of the junk he will get me away from so that my heart can see Him and be undistracted. So that I can come back with a greater understanding of Him and surely of His grace, and apply that to my life. I mean, I've been having a tough week but God is giving me contentment amongst it. He is testing me. Reminding me that "My Beloved Is Mine." And making me trust in Him. I don't think I can be in a better place than that. For those of you who have my email, email me because I am going to miss you all weekend! But I will be with Rachel and Sam and Jonah. Oh yes, and pray that Sam will not kill us.

-sarah

An Unopened Letter To The World

An Unopened Letter to The World

If I could be all that I have wanted to be, I’m sure that it would never be enough for anyone’s standards. I am sure that I would never be able to please anyone. Perhaps it’s just that I’m different, that I’m not easy to understand, and that scares anyone who meets me. I am not what you’d expect.

If I could say everything I have wanted to say, I’m sure that it would never be enough for my own standards. I could never tell the world what I need to tell them. I could never help them commit to memory what I’ve learned. Because it is killing me inside, and no one would expect that from me.

If I could be everything he wanted me to be, I’m sure he would once again forget me. H would once again be dissatisfied at my intrigue because he wants things to be easy for him. He wants what he can’t have because he is not willing to work for it. His lust for love is not satisfied because he knows not what love is and the work that is involved. The forgiveness that is given. Maybe that is why he knows not that I love him. Or perhaps this is not love, maybe it is just lust for what I can’t have.

If I could be labeled as one thing, I know it would not be the label of average. I won’t be labeled as average. Because that is not who I am. I am completely different and I want the world to know that. But they will never know, as I have fallen in love with the silence, the ink from my pen is now dry.

So the world will never know that...


i am not: who you’d expect
i love: love

i hate: the world sometimes

i hope: even though i am a failure

i crave: love .

i cry: when I am lost

i care: about...

i always: wonder why god loves me

i long to: be a missionary

i feel alone: alot

i hide: from the world

i write: what god is teaching me

i breathe: in god's presence

i play: a game that i am losing

i miss: the days when i could breathe

i search: for truth

i learn: to fall in love with the silence

i feel: content with where god has me

i know: that whatever God does it shall be forever

i say: what I think

i succeed: miserably

i fail: without Christ.

i wonder: what this will all mean in the end

i want: for only god to be pleased with me

i worry: that what i am isn't good enough

i have: hope

i give: what I can

i fight: the pain

i need: nothing a human can give

i am: a failure with a hope

i think: alot

i can't: tell you how i feel

Would you break me from the way i've been lately because I can't see living without you. And would you change me from who I've been lately?

your promise will help me lead until the end

I am a failure with a hope. A hope that even though this world is quickly fading, there is someone greater who loves me and who will keep me. That even though I am a sinner, someone, in perfection, chose me and loves me despite my failures. By all standards, I am a failure, but Christ gives me hope. The fact that I can even hope is an example of God's grace. He never lets go of us.
a failure with a hope,
-sarah

after all the tears

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly I am where I'm supposed to be
And after all the tears I was supposed to be here

I really like that "and after all the tears i was supposed to be here." That holds a lot of meaning for me as lately, I have been crying through these things. I see two things that God is trying to accomplish. Something in me, and something through me. Something, all for the glory of God. that he may be glorified in me,a dn throguhe me. So that he would be glorified within me, within my heart, but as well, that he would be glorified through my witness, that people would see Him as a result of my trials. Look, life is hard, but when you give yourself to God, you suddenly find that you are where you are supposed to be. That God is using your tears for a greater purpose. that is pretty much the only comfort I can give at this moment. He's catching every tear, but he's not satisfied with just having your tears; He wants it all, every part of your life.
-sarah

Are you listening? We write a thousand pages, they're torn and on the floor.

could i just be anonymous?

so lately I'm not really sure. Am I living the right way? Have I tricked myself into believing that I'm alright? What do people really say when I leave? Do they just put up with me? Dang, that is probably the truth. So my friend and I were having an interesting conversation about the first two questions. And he said something that was true "Our trials, testings, and persecutions are only signs that the Lord is working in us and leading us down the right path. It is the moments in life where we become comfortable that we must worry about." But then I was thinking, well God gave these same things to people who he was trying to tell to turn the other way, so how do I know this is not true of me also? God is working in me, and I'm not doubting that He is who He says He is, but I think He is finding whether all of this will withstand the fire. (bear with me my thoughts are not really organized) You know, today is four years that Cameron died. And no one knows how I feel about that except one person and even then, he found out by mistake. Don't you hate how gmail puts all of the "l's" right next to each other? So I send it to the first person on the list, thinking it is myself. but NOOO, it isn't. So what else? Oh yes, there is this whole twitterpation situation. There is still ________ & ____________ and ___________ & _________. I don't know if we got rid of some couples or what. But I'm learning to be content, and still people are talking about me. So what, you think my life revolves around one boy? I'm sorry but he is not God. He is a really amazing, awesome person but every decision does not revolve around him. If you think it does, let me set the record straight, it does not! What do I have to lose if you don't believe me? but now as well, I am wondering what two people really think. You know, its like I try to keep my mouth shut about certain things and I think I have succeeded fairly well. So how do I know my friends aren't doing the same? Huh, how do I know they arent lying to me? YOu know, I had to email a friend and ask her to tell me the real truth about how I was acting? I didn't hate her for it, in fact, I love my friend even more for that. She was willing to tell me what i needed to hear even when it hurt. I guess I am just fairly confused . sorry that you read this.
-sarah

in loving memory...

What will be the first thing I say? What will be the first thing I do? Will I cry? Will we embrace? Will I even remember the days I had without him? What will he look like? What will he say? What will be the praise that is on his lips? Will he be the first that I see? Or the second, or the third? In the glory of that day, will words be uttered? Or will we stand motionless? What words will we whisper?
I've often wondered what I'll say when I see him again. "I missed you?" "You beat me?" "Life wasn't the same without you?" "I cried for days?" "I loved you so much?" I think that none of these could so eloquently tell what I would feel and how I would tell him. I guess, after all of the time, we won't have noticed, we will merely say "We're finally here. We're finally home."

after its all said and done...this is all i can say

Its funny how easily we can trick ourselves into thinking we know what God wants and that we are doing His will. How easily, we can forget His goodness and the contentment that is only found in Him. Since the end of September, I have been struggling with finding contentment, and where it can truly be found. As a girl, contentment looks something like having that one guy. But as someone who is trying to live a life for Christ and purely to glorify His name, I think that it looks radically different. It isn't found in someone. Because everyone is imperfect, and contentment is a constant thing, imperfection makes things inconsistent. I think that true contentment is being satisfied with where God has you, being in a place where everything isn't perfect, yet you still choose to trust in Him and in His plan. Its the recognition that God is in control.

Lately, things have been occurring that really scare me. But someone reminded me that those problems have no control over my Savior, He is allowing them. For whatever reason, I'm not sure, but I'm not going to question what he has in store. At the end, I'll finally know. And the end is near. My end is close approaching and even if you think that its insane that I am excited about nearing death. Its not death itself, its what is held on the other side. I get to meet my Savior, the person who's grace has been continually pouring out on my life since my birth. Who has been planning everything, and I imagine that when I see the face that I have been seeking, I won't even care about these issues, I won't even ask what they were for. That one moment, I don't know if I'll cry, or laugh, or if I'll feel anything that could be explained in words. I just want to live my life so that I can here "Well done good and faithful servant..." And that that glory moment will last for eternity.