i have never felt this joy before

Tamara is back in town and this joy i feel is like nothing i have ever felt before. its amazing and i love seeing her here. and getting to hear what Christ is doing in her life. I have never felt so happy and I have missed her and I'm excited to get to know her better and this is just great.

me and my dream come true

God completely gave me the most beautiful revelation. As you may not know, I've been struggling with a guy that I like. but god in his perfection led me to a beautiful revelation. I was listening to the Apathetic EP and specifically OVERthinking, the acoustic version, and it was the first time that the words made complete sense. They said "I was thinking, over thinking, about how far i had let this go, one more guy/girl cliche, I know now you're just in the way, of me and my dream come true."
If you know me, you know that I want to be a medical missionary in any foreign country that God will take me. Even if i live in an area in Paupa New Guinea where it rains 362 days of the year, I love to be in foreign countries. Christ has given me a passion for the bibleless peoples of the world, and I can't deny that. My husband, whoever and wherever he is, must have similar desires. An unquenchable thirst to see God's face and serve, anytime and anywhere. Does that make sense?
Well, I realized about this specific boy that that is not really him. God has completely shown me that maybe he is more comfortable flirting and goofing off than he is when serving. I mean, the kid thinks i shouldn't do hard work, like lifting and pushing. (or at least what he says tells me this) but that is where i love being. I love doing anything and everything that needs to be done. I take great pleasure in finishing a job and serving someone else, that is just part of my personality. And whoever i date or marry must be the same way. he must possess an eager desire to serve any time it is needed and even when it is hard.
And this boy really doesn't seem to be like that. don't get me wrong, he's great and all, but i don't see a servant's heart to the level that i know God wants me to have in whoever I spend a lot of time with. And thinking and worrying about him is in the way of me becoming the servant that God desires for me. I'm letting him get in the way of me and my dream come true. I may have a lot of limitations in hard work becuase i am a girl, but i would prefer for a guy to help me rather than tell me not to do it. Respect that I love doing this stuff, but be a gentleman and help. Does any of this make sense? do you think i'm being to hard on him?

I no longer matter, but that is okay

I've done all I can do. If he doesn't want to be friends, can I force that? What is God possibly trying to teach me through this? I've hashed it out with God and I know what I would need, I know my desires and what I would want to do with my life. Everything from wanting to serve in foreign missions to loving to snowboard to wanting to be involved in street witnessing to high school students. And I know God will exceed my expectations. He has never failed to show me his goodness. And someday, I will be like Nick and Shaena, and God will provide my "Nick". who knows, maybe I should move to Puerto Rico. that sounds like an exciting plan.

time cannot erase

this is the suckiest feeling in the world.
my friend is moving to freaking texas, and by the end of the week, she will be gone. its like one of the worst feelings in the world. I knew she was going to be moving but i was suprised when i heard in a freakin week. Every part of my humanity is screaming that i don't want her to go, but i have to let her go. and a lot of other people are gonna have it worse off with her leaving, but that doesn't mean it makes my struggle any easier. its like, life just wont be the same without her.
School is absolutely stupid. and my eyes hurt.
I want to trust god but i feel like I am failing him too much. Its my fault and I'm messing everything up, and i want to trust him but I'm afraid to misrepresent him.
And I know this is the gayest subject to talk about but boys are stupid. its like, how would you like to feel like your guy friends only hang out with you for another girl. well that is how I feel and I wrote this nice long letter to one of them but I'll probably never deliver it becuase it might jsut mss everythingup. But understand this, its not meant to offend him. he is offending me rightnow, and i don't want him to do that. is it selfish to not want to let him put me through this crap.
oh i'm tired of it all. but i want christ to shine through me. how am i supposed to do this?