piano prodigies and the like

Matthew Scarvie is my hero. Yesterday, we had our first team meeting. Scarvie and Josh came to my mom's office to pick me up. as we were driving to scarvie's, they tried to teach me how to pen flip, a skill i attempted to perfect in all of my classes today. Matt graced us with his piano prodigy skills [which are the most amazing i have ever heard. he is so going to juliard], gave us cookies, and laughed at my exit. i spoke of the pinkness of cotton candy and how it makes me feel like a girl. Marianna spoke to us about the sluttiness of the drill team. and radar graced us with his theory about Bachicha's sideburns being magical. scarvie perfected the infinity. josh gave rides to unliscensed drivers. we got no where in terms of the case but our team is amazing. today, taylor was my friend. the cocky jerk of yesterday called me his best defender. he said that i stand there all innocent like but that's my charm. we even shared some laughs and he wanted to pass to me even if that meant sacrificing a touchdown. i might go see a football game with ally and amira.

now a message from your healthcare providers

Today, we had a very scary incident involving my appendix and six hours in Urgent Care. In Biology today, I began to feel a pain in my lower stoumach. The two hours I spent in NM History and RSVP, I was almost positive my appendix had burst. I had never felt such intense pain in my life. This is not a wimp's pain, this was the pain of a million tweezers plucking out the individual hairs all over my head, only my head was in my abdomen. In English, I managed to get comfortable enough to survive the pain. But lunch rolled around and the plucking was back. I dressed out for gym, and got all the way to the soccer fields for flag football, all the while reassuring Elissa that I was not having a miscarriage since that was physically impossible, being as how these are virgin lips that speak these words. Mrs Kubala saw the intense pain on my face when I began running and then tearing up, so she sent me to the Nurse's, all of whom were scared for my life, checking blood pressure to make sure I did not have internal bleeding. Since my complaint was on the center and right side of my abdomen, they concurred that it could be my appenix, so my mom came to the home of the matadors and we went to urgent care. After six hours of sleep and talk and taking blood, they were able to tell me that this could be the onslaught of appendicitis, but that I was okay for now. If the pain comes back for more than two hours and is coupled with severse naseaus, I go to the Emergency Room. Get an Ultrasound. Get sliced, and then eat lots of ice cream with chocolate peanut butter malt balls from Trader Joe's. I feel better now that the pain is dulled. Let us pray it remains that way.

maybe its all about to come crashing down

of life and other occurrences in the heart

I'm a pretty simple person, but I speak in complex sentences. I've only been in highschool for three full days, but already, I've learned more than I could have ever thought possible. Imagine my suprise when I found that highschool would be worth more than a diploma. And I've got over two hundred days left to learn. Suprisingly, I'm at a good place in life.

When you tangibly see God's control, and realize that serving has been the greatest achievement of your life, not scoring the winning goal or making the A grade, I think you're in a good place.

'And though I grow tired and weary, I find that you are all I need.'

Two, well four words--Guilty pleasures/ Ben Mckenzie

okay, so once again I am writing from the Painted Horse Cafe. this morning as I was watching Good Morning America with my bowl of Reese's Puffs, a food of the gods, I had the sudden urge to consume a good ol' iced mocha.

I will admit that I am sort of on a kick of hating boys. It is for good reason considering that in the past month, there have only been one or two guys who have not been complete jerks. Well, I will admit on the internet, the world wide web. now I have come up with a peculiar way that, in the past month, has helped me deal with this issue. Two words-Ben Mckenzie. Yes, I am speaking of the hollywood heartthrob from The OC who looks like a young Russell Crowe, only much better looking. I have been watching the OC for the past week while I've been knitting and I will admit that the show is my guilty pleasure. It's right up there with 24 and Lost, which is really saying something. I have actually come to love all of the characters, but if I'm honest, I watch because of Ben Mckenzie. I mean, when I'm mad at a guy, I watch him on the television show and my faith is restored in the potential of the mail species.

We're all having to learn to let go of one another, but some of these guys just can't deal well. And for the record, calling me every five minutes for three hours is not the way. That among other things.

The Cafe of All Cafes

Right now, I am at the painted horse cafe, which happens to be my newest hangout place. they have an amazing Roast Turkey Panini and the people are so kind, always giving me a larger drink size than I can pay for. This morning/midday, I have decided to branch out and try their Breakfast Bagel which is turning out great, accompanied by an iced mocha. Let's face it--life cannot get much better, especially since I can access their free wifi.

So this weekend we are going down to Mexico. It should be an adventure as always. the team will be fairly large compared to the past few which have basically only been my family and the Olsens. The orphanage is looking great.

Right now, I am reading the Illustrated Man by Ray Bradbury. MY whole reading list isn't very good. This is a literarily frustrated Sarah. And YES, i did just make that word up. so sue me.

I Love You....Thank You

Love at first k2, *p2, k, p, k2* repeat to end of row

I Love Village Wools.

The red scarf is the progress I have made in a few weeks time on the starter scarf pattern I got when I took a class in January at Village Wools. I've also made countless potholders and drink coasters with Debbie Bliss cotton wool. The black scarf is one I started last night for Steve for Christmas. It was a "Scarf Askew" pattern I got off of Magknits.com They are both progressing nicely and I have almost memorized the 12 row pattern for Steve's scarf. But as of right now, I have to sit with my computer on my lap with the pattern in an open window in order to make progress.

Portland Family

The countless days since my last real blog have been beyond interesting and enjoyable. In fact, there is much life that I have had yet to update on this blog. So I will start at the beginning. The last weekend in June, I had the pleasure of spending a day with one of my favorite people in the world. Samy Waldie is one of the few who I can say has changed my life. When I saw the vans arrive outside the compound's gates, I quickly dropped my 2 inch thick knife and a half a watermelon, which I was cutting for Lyli to make himica, and ran outside to greet the team that I love with a passion. Steve was opening the gates and everyone was piling out of the two vans that Patrick and Deanna were driving. When suddenly, I saw Samy standing across the street. As both of us spread our arms wide, we ran and jumped on each other, nearly falling to the ground in our excitement. Our glorious reunion then continued throughout the rest of the night as I was reunited with the familiar team from last year's internship in Juarez. Samy and I got to catch up on our back porch that night after going to the corner store to get cokes and manzana lift, paid for by the lovely Kathy Legget. The McKuskers were as wonderful as ever. I got to hold Chase all through dinner and play with the boys that afternoon. I was thrilled to be asked by them to stay for the week at their house to help with the team and their household. Sadly, I had the commitment to work that week, and could not break it, as much as I wanted to. With the Porters gone, I can tell that the McKuskers and I will have the opportunity to be much closer, to the point perhaps of family. Deanna and I have connected on many levels and Patrick is one of the few men that I respect. And those boys...those boys...are the sweetest things to grace the earth. Shy and quiet Caleb, loud and mischievous Jaden, friendly and curious Kylan, and the gurgling and contented Chase.

Wonderwall (cover)

after all....

that girl you met wasn't me. that is all i want to say right now. that's not really who i am. so why do i let myself be? i'm not a badass chick.

i need a change of heart. i feel like such a hypocrite and it felt so obvious tonight when i wasn't being strong. i guess jacquelyn was right. you don't have to be strong, you have to have a connection to god. maybe that is why i can't change, because i'm trying to do it on my own. because i want people to like me and think i'm nice. not becuase it breaks god's heart. that's the first time in a month that i've really considered the reflection of my actions on jesus christ.

maybe that is why god keeps settling in the back of my mind....

i wish that you were either hot or cold...

I guess the question now is which I want to be and if I am willing to give it all up for God as Samy said.

Out of the outflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. i guess those are the thoughts and words in my heart........and that scares me. if it took me only two months to go so downhill, i really need god. I REALLY NEED YOU!!! this is a moment when i want to scream at the top of my lungs "IF YOU ARE REAL, HAPPEN TO ME!! BE REAL! I NEED YOU TO BE REAL!!!"

I have become such a shell of the person I once was. Not necessarily innocent and naive but not so participatory, not so numb to these things.

I need know something real. I need to feel something real. I need to be something real.

sick days

Since my last update, I have been sick in bed [or on the couch] I went to the doctor's yesterday and they told me it was a viral infection. Yipee. All that basically means is that I have to wait it out. I got my first full night's sleep last night. Which might have something more to do with the fact that I fell asleep watching 13 going on 30 on my laptop. PRAISE GOD!!!! we picked that and the paramore cd up from best buy yesterday. And how, you may ask, did I get this virus. Well, based on deductive reasoning and an IM conversation, I'm gonna say that Amanda, Dorian's sister, gave it to Clay, who, when not symptomatic, shared a water bottle with me and transferred the virus to sweet Sarah. Yes, I was just the innocent victim here. so I've been sleeping through the day and being bored out of my mind from 11 PM to 6 AM. Somehow, my body is naturally waking itself up at 6:33 AM every single morning. when I feel better, I am going to put that to use by walking. But right now, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. You see, I never get sick, so I am a very pathetic sick person. I involuntarily cry because I can get so frustrated. Let me tell you--I am a pathetic sick person. I dont know how to deal.

Yesterday's blog was somewhat cryptic. but i was in the middle of something, and it was just a thought. It's been a while and I think I needed some venting/unloading. Where to start?

I have officially graduated Family School and I recieved a transfer to SANDIA HIGH SCHOOL. Needless to say, I am beyond excited. I'm signed up for Geometry, Honors English, Pre-Ap Biology I, PE, Health/NM History, and French. As well, I signed up for Senate zero hour. I'll be busy but it will be good for me.

Paramore's new CD Riot comes out tommorrow, which is basically the highlight of tuesday becuase they are basically one of my favorite bands in the world. On Saturday nite, we went to see mewithoutyou at the launchpad. The boys said they were gonna come by at 6 pm, but I got a call at 5:20 saying they were pulling into the driveway. That was the fastest I had ever gotten completely ready. Half my hair was straightened and I had contacts in. No makeup, just sarah in her boxers and a tank top. The concert was beyond amazing. Some really great bands, and great stage performances. It was a good nite to see people I hadn't seen in a while, great music, and I found out scary kids scaring kids is coming in August. Can I say I almost had a heart attack? That is basically the epitome of all my musical hopes!!!

Currently, I am nursing an odd case of the chills and a headache. Oncoming sickness or maybe its the weather?

At the gym, they've been having zumba. Who knew that I had hip shaking down to a T. Maybe I'll go on to become a world-class dancer?

Saturday was shea's birthday, so this upcoming week I'm gonna take her to roadhouse. I can't wait to see her face when they bring out the saddle. It's going to be so classic!!!

The porters came and we had a lovely visit. I'm gonna miss them.

love, me

Have you ever noticed that there are certain triggers in your life that make you actually feel alive?

Oh, and if I get the transfer, I picked out all of my curriculum, and be taking Calculus II Senior Year. There isnt one class that isn't Pre-AP or AP. Maybe highschool won't suck that much. Mr. Daniels in Honors Geometry Freshman Year surely won't. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll score Evans as my English Professor. Plus Allen is my advisor. I guess things are starting to look up.

When i tasted what the world had to offer, i found that it didn't make me feel any better. it didn't really make me feel any worse. If it's so empty, why do people use it to fill themselves? They fill themselves with a smoke that is absorbed, only to be empty minutes later.
He asked a valid question--When did the most undown people become so down? What happened to us?
I was down for one night where my day was terrible and I could be easily swayed. But his words rung in my ear everytime I held me breath. "When?"

It's been a while since I've really wrote on here. I suppose that is because I don't really care about what has been happening much lately. I'm just numb to really care. The next four years will really mean nothing if I go to highschool.

On the better side, and probably the only good side to my life at this moment, we willbe staying with the Porters this weekend. We were going to head down there on a mission trip, but since everyone backed out, we are just going to head down there and stay with the Porters for the weekend.

I really love the time I get to spend with the Porters, especially Sam. I wrote this a while back in my journal. I thought I 'd share it with the rest of my private world......

If I ever have a boy, I want to name him Samuel Logan. Samuel after Sam Porter, and Logan after my cousin. Samuel means 'his name is god' or can be what it says in my bible text-'heard by god.' Logan means 'from the hollow' or 'from that which was nothing.' The names themselves have meanings that I hope my child will carry everywhere with him. But I don't want to just name my kid something because I liked the name meaning because that in itself is somewhat empty to me. I want names that remind me what I always want for my child. Logan is my brother's name. Logan has been my rock, the one I could depend on through life's storms even if he himself didn't feel that solid. He always placed my needs as a priority and I would like my son to possess that trait. Plus he is my brother--which means he would be beyond honored that I would name my son after him.

Samuel is a name that I like. Well I don't necessarily like Samuel, but I really like Sam. As I write this, I'm reading through 1st Samuel. So many of the key verses that have driven my life are derived from first Samuel, but one in specific--"And he had great success in whatever he did because the Lord was with him." That is my prayer for my son, and all I could ever want for him. So the name Samuel would remind me of that verse every time I looked at my son. But mostly, I'd like to name my son Samuel becuase of Sam Porter. He's a kid I've really grown up with the past year and a half. I'd name my son Sam because I hope that he grows up to be like Sam. Sam is mature beyond his years, even when he is the most immature kid I know. He's responsible, caring, in the Word, funny, he loves his family, and is genuine. Sam reminds me that there aren't just good guys in the world, there are great guys. I hold a high opinon of Sam, as you can tell. If my son would grow up to be like Sam, I don't think I could be any prouder........

Easter was amazing. I loved sunrise service. And I got the most amazing Easter Gift. Brigida sent me a care package. I got a watch, sweet-tarts, a pedicure set, socks, a notebook, and an awesome magnet for my board.
It was an exchange for the Blue House and pictures that I sent her.
So life has been good.

What do you do when you feel so unwanted? so undesired? who is this me that i've become? are you even who i am--the buried version of me?

Because I've nver felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right

all of this time has meant nothing if it didn't turn out alright

Well, lets just say that my weekend was very great. It started with Logan's and my Aunt's Birthday. On my myspace, I captioned this photograph- "18 years, and he's still my best friend." Its really true. Logan can bug me so much. But he really is my best friend. Your best friend is the person that you would tell everythng to at any time. If anything terrible bad were to happen to me, or something I was ashamed of--I would tell Logan, even before my mom. I've weathered the past four years with Logan, and I don't want to face them with anyone but Logan. We're together through thick and thin.

Goodbye Dear BLue House!
The weekend was quite successfull. We laid half of the sidewalks, finished the electrical, and painted the office! And of course the demolition. I tlaked with Sam for a good amount of time. He's a great friend. I've missed spending time with him.

And! I made peace with Chloe. It was so cute having Jadyn run out on Saturday morning in his firetruck pajamas and scream my name. He was so happy to see me. It brought joy to my life! I love the McKuskers.

My dream car that we will find and restore someday soon. Steve said that after my project, we can start looking adn then if we find one we can restore it and have it as my first car. that would be like THE coolest thing in the world.

LIFE is so beautiful. BE HAPPY bcause we are redeemed. Take a step back and look at the salvation of the LORD. For he is good and his love endures forever.

You know when you have an epiphany? You just have a moment where you realize something. I had one of those tonight. I'm not in any position to be in a relationship. Not when I am where I'm at. A relationship is supposed to be a good, give and take thing. And right now I couldn't give more than I would take.

good as gold

Sunshine come and do your shining
You're welcome to come and make your place
This eclipse petitions on my weak lips
And I'm looking for clearing in this haze

I'll take it as it comes
I'll chance it all because

The one thing that I know
The one thing that I'll always hold
Is my only reason is good as gold
The one thing that I know
The one thing that I'll always hold
Is my only reason is good as gold

Sweetness bitter change to weakness
And I'm raising my eyes above the swells
Sweetness oh the sweetness
And I'm raising my eyes up to the hills

I'll take it as it comes
I'll chance it all because

The one thing that I know
The one thing that I'll always hold
Is my only reason is good as gold
The one thing that I know
The one thing that I'll always hold
Is my only reason is good as gold

Good as gold
Is good as gold
When I'm up
And when I'm low


--freckles

I'm as good as gold

And he doesn't read this, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO CLAY!
You're only 17 once.

COLTS and BEARS

Not that I wouldn't have been happy with either team winning, but I decided to call the Colts mostly out of spite for Chase (what is your issue, Chase?). [Of that, i am NOT ashamed. He refused to believe that I could be an angry, drunk father in a play. And then he went as far as to insult my musical selection and beat me in a stupid ping pong game. Let's just say I understand why we got a divorce! But he is seriously like one of my best friends.] Anyway, I am offically deciding that if I call the team, they WILL WIN!!!! Look at the Florida/Ohio Game and now the Colts/Bears, and I won both times!!!! If I call a third championship football game, I might have to start betting on these!!! I'm like football good luck. ;)

Today was a very interesting day. I love spending time with the burgetts so that was a blast. And Chase and Taylor and I played oldschool video games for a few hours together! I convinced Chase I could be a great drunk dad since I was the pregnant mail order wife last year. I refuse to be typecast! ;) Then Romeo and Juliet was a blast. Merticitio was probably the funniest thing I have ever seen on a stage. HANDS DOWN! well, with the mention of hands, i think of him. I had to cover Zoe's eyes for half of the show because of that!!!! But he was still funny. Chase and Derek refused to go near him. they swore he would molest them! I love my boys!

signing out,
sarah

Boston

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care,
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

Essential and appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care,
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...
Boston... where no one knows my name...

By Augustana

Here in Your Arms

I like where we are,
When we drive, in your car
I like where we are.... Here

Cause our lips, can touch
And our cheeks, can brush
Our lips can touch here

Well you are the one the one that lies close to me
Whisper's hello I miss you quite terribly
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly
Now there's no place else I could be but here in your arms

I like where you sleep,
When you sleep, next to me.
I like where you sleep... here

Cause our lips, can touch
And our cheeks, can brush
Our lips can touch here

Well you are the one the one that lies close to me
Whisper's hello I miss you quite terribly
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly
Now there's no place else I could be but here in your arms

Our lips, can touch
Our lips, can touch...here

You are the one the one that lies close to me
Whisper's hello I miss you quite terribly
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly
Now there's no place else I could be but here in your

You are the one the one that lies close to me
Whisper's hello I miss you miss you
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly
Now there's no place else I could be but here in your arms

Here in your arms.
Here in your arms.

By Hellogoodbye

O god the aftermath

The Porters launched a suprised visit on us! It is like crazy great! I haven't seen my family in a really long time!!!! So I scrambeled home from the Burgetts house and cleaned my room! O God The Aftermath!

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done
And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads
Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

...you should know me. you know you aren't going to get what's true. no one gets that...

I don't think a statement can be more true or more of a lie. I'm not lying when I say that okay is a relative term. I'm not dead, so I'm okay. But you can't just walk in after weeks of not calling, weeks of not caring, the most crucial weeks in this struggle when I needed someone the most and no one was there. No one cared, except for Brigida, who emailed every week and let me talk it out. So yeah, I'm peachy, my walk is peachy, everything is great. Let's just look at the past few weeks in review...

1) My uncle decides to talk to me for the first time in two years. Yeah, who was there or even found out about that?

2) I had to hand over my future and everything I thought I knew, changed.

3) It was five years, and no one remembered. No one remembers the event that changed my life forever. No one really remembers or even knows that it was five years that Cameron died.

4) I dealt with my daddy issues that no one has ever thought to ask about. I'm not sure there has been one person who has ever asked about it.

5) I failed. And there is no bigger way to describe that. There is nothing that will make that better. There is no way that someone can walk in and understand.

BUCKEYE in GATOR skin

IMG_2373
Originally uploaded by loveistheway15.

My family sent this to me! GATOR PRIDE baby. Shanna and I agreed though that we can't be fully happy because we were running around in buckeye's uniforms as babies. It is in our genes and we are trying to change our genetics. who wouldn't be torn?

My words are cold, I don't want them to hurt you
If I show you, I don't think you'd understand
Cause no one understands

Notes on Life Part 2

Part 2....

1) Tonight we get to watch Derek in song and dance.

2) I am so behind in one of my school projects at the moment.

3) I haven't even begun knitting my scarf but it is going to be SUPER cool. Who would have guessed that I am good at knitting!!

4) In my stoumach, there is an unhealthy amount of chocolate. I want chocolate everything. I need sweets even though it isn't helping me lose any weight!!!!!

5) I am currently doing laundry.

6) I missed Smallville last night :(

7) I got my hair cut and it looks pretty normal. nothing new. I am told though that in order to be "hot and in style" I need to grow my bangs out and grow my hair out and curl it all of the time. So I'm working towards that currently. Who would pass up the chance to be hot? :/

8) Always love

Notes on Life

1) My merch arrived from TWLOHA and it is super cool! The right fit and already, about ten people have asked me about it and I have gotten to tell them the amazing story.

2)Orientation night at Sandia was interesting enought. I met lots of people. Hannah was great and she showed me around. Her boyfriend, Eric was really cool and he was just ecstatic that I went to school with Grace. He's a great guy. I'm really happy for Hannah.

3) I really need ice cream.

4) I need to update my ipod.

5) Picture day was a blast. Suprisingly, I think I looked half-decent.

6) My genetics presentation was a hit!!!!

7) I am working on my skills in the kitchen. the recipe of the week is crepes and my family is loving it. they are light, sweet, delicious and easy for me to make.

8) Love is not love till loves vulnerable...she slowed to sigh and in that interval...

I am officially deciding that this guy is pretty hot. And I mean H-O-T. And I don't normally call guys that. come on, you all have to admit that I've got a great hollywood heartthrob.

Heartbeats

Heartbeats

One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise made
Four hands and then away
Both under influence
We had divine scent
To know what to say
Mind is a razor blade
To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no
One night of magic rush
The start a simple touch
One night to push and screamAnd then relief
Ten days of perfect tunes
The colors red and blue
We had a promise made
We were in love

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no
To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
And you, you knew the hands of the devil
And you, kept us awake with wolf teeth
Sharing different heartbeats
In one night
To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no
To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no

Listen to this song. the intro is seriously like the beat to which I live my life and important moments replay in slow motion. Jose Gonzalez. I guess watching stupid teen shows can at least give you something good-Nice music. Where I got Nada Surf, Jose Gonzalez, and Stray's Don't Sleep. One night to be confused...we were in love...

I'm really scared. I am really scared.
...that it will be the wrong decision...
...that I'm not good enough...
...I'm really scared...

50 songs of 2006

50 songs of 2006

1. Copeland-You Have My Attention
2. Sarah Crespo-Six Year Old Heart
3. Eisley-Marvelous things
4. Jeremy Camp-Empty Me
5. Scary Kids Scaring Kids-My Darkest Hour
6. Natasha Beddingfield-Unwritten
7. Emery-As Your Voice Fades
8. Switchfoot-Lonely Nation
9. Paramore-Emergency
10. Copeland-Testing the Strong Ones
11. Jimmy Eat World-Work
12. The Cure-To Wish Impossible Things
13. Strays Don't Sleep-For Blues Skies
14. Switchfoot-Let that Be Enough
15. Dashboard Confessional-The Places You've Come To Fear the Most
16. Underoath-Reinventing Your Exit
17. Everyday Sunday-Stand Up
18. Snow Patrol-Chasing Cars
19. Jimmy Eat World-Hear You Me
20. Paramore-My Heart
21. Hillsong United-Better Than
22. Nada Surf-Always Love
23. Angels and Airwaves- The Adventure
24. Jack's Mannequin- The Mixed Tape
25. And then I turned Seven- In Loving Memory
26. Jars of Clay-Worlds Apart
27. Jose Hernadez-Heartbeats
28. Vanessa Carlton-White Houses
29. Michelle Branch-Breathe
30. The Ataris- The Saddest Song
31. Phil Wickham- Take my Heart
32. Jars of Clay-I Need You
33. Chasing Victory- The Killer is ME
34. Sanctus Real- I'm not alright
35. Red Lipstick Letter-I'm not pretending
36. Copeland-Priceless
37. Jars of Clay-Flood
38. Skillet-Your Name is Holy
39. Underoath-Its Dangerous Business walking out your front door
40. Switchfoot-This is Your Life
41. Emery-Bloodless
42. Relient K-Forward Motion
43. Copeland-Love is a Fast Song
44. Mute Math-Chaos
45. Robbie Seay Band-Come Ye Sinners
46. unknown-Meet with You
47. Underoath-Some will seek forgiveness, others escape
48. Benjamin Gate-Tonight
49. David Crowder Band-I will not be silent
50. David Crowder Band-Open Skies

Today has really sucked. I decided not to go out to Saggios tonight because I was tired of my family. It's official that I have no friends. I needed to get out of the house tonight and I was going to call Clay but every time I went to press call I realized- What am I going to say? Hey can we hang out tonight? I just need to be with someone right now? Yeah. That goes over really well. I've never felt so lost or afraid. With no one.

Pedro the Lion is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just outside our open windows. She sits and sings, legs crossed in the passenger seat, her pretty voice hiding in the volume. Music is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite. It hits me that she won't see this skyline for several weeks, and we will be without her. I lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what she'd say if her story had an audience. She smiles. "Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars." I would rather write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. These words, like most words, will be written next to midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save her. Renee is 19. When I meet her, cocaine is fresh in her system. She hasn't slept in 36 hours and she won't for another 24. It is a familiar blur of coke, pot, pills and alcohol. She has agreed to meet us, to listen and to let us pray. We ask Renee to come with us, to leave this broken night. She says she'll go to rehab tomorrow, but she isn't ready now. It is too great a change. We pray and say goodbye and it is hard to leave without her. She has known such great pain; haunted dreams as a child, the near-constant presence of evil ever since. She has felt the touch of awful naked men, battled depression and addiction, and attempted suicide. Her arms remember razor blades, fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted wounds. Six hours after I meet her, she is feeling trapped, two groups of "friends" offering opposite ideas. Everyone is asleep. The sun is rising. She drinks long from a bottle of liquor, takes a razor blade from the table and locks herself in the bathroom. She cuts herself, using the blade to write "FUCK UP" large across her left forearm. The nurse at the treatment center finds the wound several hours later. The center has no detox, names her too great a risk, and does not accept her. For the next five days, she is ours to love. We become her hospital and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her church, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms. She is full of contrast, more alive and closer to death than anyone I've known, like a Johnny Cash song or some theatre star. She owns attitude and humor beyond her 19 years, and when she tells me her story, she is humble and quiet and kind, shaped by the pain of a hundred lifetimes. I sit privileged but breaking as she shares. Her life has been so dark yet there is some soft hope in her words, and on consecutive evenings, I watch the prettiest girls in the room tell her that she's beautiful. I think it's God reminding her. I've never walked this road, but I decide that if we're going to run a five-day rehab, it is going to be the coolest in the country. It is going to be rock and roll. We start with the basics; lots of fun, too much Starbucks and way too many cigarettes. Thursday night she is in the balcony for Band Marino, Orlando's finest. They are indie-folk-fabulous, a movement disguised as a circus. She loves them and she smiles when I point out the A&R man from Atlantic Europe, in town from London just to catch this show. She is in good seats when the Magic beat the Sonics the next night, screaming like a lifelong fan with every Dwight Howard dunk. On the way home, we stop for more coffee and books, Blue Like Jazz and (Anne Lamott's) Travelling Mercies. On Saturday, the Taste of Chaos tour is in town and I'm not even sure we can get in, but doors do open and minutes after parking, we are on stage for Thrice, one of her favorite bands. She stands ten feet from the drummer, smiling constantly. It is a bright moment there in the music, as light and rain collide above the stage. It feels like healing. It is certainly hope. Sunday night is church and many gather after the service to pray for Renee, this her last night before entering rehab. Some are strangers but all are friends tonight. The prayers move from broken to bold, all encouraging. We're talking to God but I think as much, we're talking to her, telling her she's loved, saying she does not go alone. One among us knows her best. Ryan sits in the corner strumming an acoustic guitar, singing songs she's inspired. After church our house fills with friends, there for a few more moments before goodbye. Everyone has some gift for her, some note or hug or piece of encouragement. She pulls me aside and tells me she would like to give me something. I smile surprised, wondering what it could be. We walk through the crowded living room, to the garage and her stuff. She hands me her last razor blade, tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm and her last lines of cocaine five nights before. She's had it with her ever since, shares that tonight will be the hardest night and she shouldn't have it. I hold it carefully, thank her and know instantly that this moment, this gift, will stay with me. It hits me to wonder if this great feeling is what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts, when we trade death for life. As we arrive at the treatment center, she finishes: "The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope." I have watched life come back to her, and it has been a privilege. When our time with her began, someone suggested shifts but that is the language of business. Love is something better. I have been challenged and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly. We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true. We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home. I have learned so much in one week with one brave girl. She is alive now, in the patience and safety of rehab, covered in marks of madness but choosing to believe that God makes things new, that He meant hope and healing in the stars. She would ask you to remember.

Halo

I never promised you a ray of light
I never promised there’d be sunshine everyday
I'll give you everything I have
The good the bad...

Why do you put me on a pedestal?
I’m so up high that I can’t see the ground below
So help me down, you've got it wrong
I don’t belong there

One thing is clear
I wear a halo
I wear a halo when you look at me
But standing from here
You wouldn’t say so
You wouldn’t say so if you were me

And I… I just wanna love you
Oh, oh I… I just wanna love you

I always said that I would make mistakes
I’m only human and that’s my saving grace
I fall as hard as I try
So don’t be blinded
See me as I really am
I have flaws and sometimes I even sin
So pull me from that pedestal
I don’t belong there

One thing is clear
I wear a halo
I wear a halo when you look at me
but standing from here
you wouldn’t say so
you wouldn’t say so if you were me
And I…I just wanna love you
OOhh I…I just wanna love…you

Like to think that you know me
But in your eyes
I am something above you
Its only in your mind
Only in your mind

I wear
I wear
I wear
I wear a halo
One thing is clear
I wear a halo
I wear a halo when you look at me
but standing from here
you wouldn’t say so
you wouldn’t say so if you were me
I just wanna love you
I just wanna love you
(I just wanna love you)
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo

-Haley James Scott/Bethany Joy Lenz/Bethany Joy Galeotti/Whoever she is this week

.decisions.

.Decisions.

.What should I be when I grow up?.

.Who will I be?.

.What should I wear?.

.Should I like him?.
.Should I do that?.

And most importantly right now...

.Where do I go to school?.

I really wanted to ditch the highschool route and just fast forward. But now I'm not so sure. My aunt has suggested that if I transfer to Sandia for freshman and sophmore year, I could pass my PSAT with a high score and get on the National Merit Society list and that if I keep up my grades, become involved with model UN, Senate, and mock trial, that I could really do well and that many colleges would want to give me scholarships, full rides even. Everyone seems to believe it but this one person pictured below. I seem to be good enough for everyone but this one person. And really, they are the only person that matters.

The killer is me. I'll never be good enough for me. People have said that I have an in-your-face kind of confidence because I know what I want and when I want it. But the thing is, they don't know me. They know this worked up version of me. But I'm not even sure its a version I created or if it was created for me. Everyone I know has this illusion that I could get a full ride to the college of my choice. Like I'm this brilliant kid who has so much potential and so much to live for. I hate to break it to the world, but I'm not. There is no way I will get a scholarship to the college of my choice. I won't get into Columbia or Harvard or NYU or Reed. I've figured that out, I'm just waiting for everyone else to. I need someone to understand that its empty. I need someone to notice. I need someone to validate me. But I'm not expecting anyone to. I set high standards for nothing except myself so when they fail it doesn't hurt as bad. I only have myself to be dissapointed in. And that is a comfortable playing field because it means no one has to know. Because if they know they will try to understand. And trying to understand is like trying to make something defective work properly. It just doesn't happen unless you try really hard...and I don't think even I'm up for that fight.

what i'm hearing...

Paramore-All We Know is Falling
Nada Surf-The Weight is a Gift
Angels and Airwaves-We Don't Need to Whisper
Jimmy Eat World-Bleed America/Futures
Copeland-In Motion/Beneath Medicine Tree
As Cities Burn-Son, I loved you at your darkest
Project 86-Drawing Black Lines
The Cure-Wish

So enough of the stabbing and killing, JACK IS BACK. I cannot stress that enough. it is crucial. The only thing i have not liked so far is everyone getting stabbed considering I believe that would be a terrible, violent way to die in.

JACK IS BACK

ME actually looking pretty for once

ME actually looking pretty for once
Originally uploaded by loveistheway15.

Life is really funny. It can push pretty hard sometimes.

Always love...

To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice
But I never learned enough
To listen to the voice that told me..
Always love… Hate will get you everytime
Always love… Don’t wait till the finish line
Slow demands come 'round
Squeeze the air and keep the rest out
It helps to write it down
Even when you then cross it out
But Always Love… Hate will get you every time
Always Love… Even when you are defied
Self-directed lies
I want to know what it’d be like to
Aim so high above
any card that you've been dealt you...
Always Love… Hate will get you every time
Always Love… Hate will get you
I've been held back by something
Yeah.
You said to me quietly on the stairs,
I've been held back by something
Yeah.
You said to me quietly on the stairs.
You said…
Hey, you good ones.
Hey, you good ones.
To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice
But I never learned enough
To listen to the voice that told me
Always love…hate will get you everytime
Always love…hate will get you…I
've been held back by something
Yeah, You said to me quietly on the stairs,
I've been held back by something
Yeah,
You said to me quietly on the stairs
You said..
Hey, you good ones
Hey, you good ones
Hey, you good ones
I…

-Nada Surf

I'll Forgive You

Strays Don't Sleep-I'll Forgive You
Its been a long year
Since we last spoke
Hows your halo?
Just between you and I
You and me and the satellites
I never believed you
I only wanted to
Before all of this
What did I miss?
Do you ever get homesick?
I cant get used to it
I cant get used to it
Ill never get used to it
Ill never get used to it
Im under that night
Im under those same stars
Were in a red car
You asleep at my side
Going in and out of the headlights
Could I have saved you?
Would thatve betrayed you?
I wanna burn this film
You alone with those pills
What you couldnt do
I will
I forgive you
Ill forgive you
Ill forgive you
I forgive you
For blue, blue skies
For blue, blue skies
For blue, blue skies
For blue, blue skies
Ill forgive you

I LOVE my life. Screw boys. Screw everything that is stupid, especially boys. 'Screw' is my new word. Today, Ryan turned to me and said, "We're screwed." So I spread the word and it is now our new word.
We had this whole flow thing going on and I am having a LOST premiere party. WE are watching 24 on Larry King and I am just about to die I am so excited. So whoever is out there, know that on both nights of the season premiere, our doors are open. We are having like all these people over and it is going to be fun. We are really stupid so we are going to do 24 impersonations and I totally have one of the best ones. The one where I get to shove my face in a bowl of whip cream and say that I look like an iced cake!!!! Or I might get to say the famous cuss line that we love.
I'm reading Romeo and Juliet and I think I finally understand it. They weren't just kids who blindly fell in love and then stupidly got killed. The whole point was that they would rather die then be without each other. But even more so, Juliet commits suicide because she would rather die then have to marry someone besides Romeo. Her heart would be true to him, even in death...
that is sort of romantic. But what am I saying. Boys are what make us so screwed up often times.

MY ROOM IS A LIVING HELL!!!!! All I can say is that moving furniture by yourself is definetly not a good idea. On the upside, school was amazing today. But it was hard getting back into the homework. I think I read one page of Romeo and Juliet. Yeah, I am definetly good like that... ;)

November

We lost the State Title.
Logan got an official girlfriend.
Thanksgiving was a blast.
First holiday in the new home!






















December
Got a dress and high heels by request
Grew really close to Grace
Last spagetti dinner
last art, poetry, desert nite
Made some girl jealous with Claudio.
Was a Burgett for a day. ;)
HSM PARTY
Venezies Pizza
Had my birthday
Went to the Nutcracker Ballet
Bucca Di Peppos
Christmas was great
got the greatest birthday present from Shawna
Watched all the seasons of LOST
Realized that someone was right when they said i never let my guard down
but then i realized it was with them that i was most like that
got called a backslidden heathen (okay so maybe those weren't the exact words but they might have as well been)
Realized I don't have a life outside of School and Mexico.
My school friends became my best friends.
Gained lost of weight so that i am now a beached whale-DARN fudge.
LOVED.

AUGUST

got to have all of my families together for the first time in a long time
my family got to see me as an intern
Patched everything up with Kathy.
Started last year at Family School.
Got right with Shaena
Met the Vancouver team-Daniel, Matt, Jerry
People said happy things about me
Jacked my hands up in circuits.












September
Lost my best friend.
Learned how stupid people can be.
Hung out With Naomi and Stephanie outside of Plugged.
Freedom Fest
Life was GOOD
But I missed Brigida dearly.



October
First month in 10 months that I didn't go to mexico
Highschool Musical Party
Grew really close to my boys.
Found out that one them and i were still technically married.
Danced and got down with our bad selves, oh and some hairbrushes
Finally got over what I was holding that would never be there.
Went to the Balloon Fiesta.
Moved into a new house with a hideous green kitchen that I now appreciate.
My baby niece was born.
I LOVE SOPHIA GRACE ATCHLEY.
I just love the Atchleys.

July-INTERNSHIP PART





Got so close to the Porters.


Practically lived with the McKuskers.


Babysat the kids.


Kylan became my child.


Brigida became my best friend.


Met Janet.


SAMMMMMY WALDIE.


I admitted my past for the first time to a girl I'd known for a week.


Got crushed on by countless guys who were over the age of 20.


TRAVIS 'i...love...you...' impersonations on the roof


Allie, sammy, and i were bobby's angels.


Bobby thought he was sexy.


Was knee deep in mud and mire.


...and i loved it.


Threw Sam into a window....;)


Went to the Smart, as two white kids who were soaked


got free food at cracker barrel


Visited Texas roadhouse for the first time.


Felt like I lived in Vancouver


I had a father figure who I loved.


Ate Kay White's famous oatmeal.


Made home where my heart was.


Realized how important the missionaries were to me when Jaden and Caleb told me they would see me at my home. When I met Albuquerque, they met the Base.


Everyone thought I lived there, when i wished i did.


Battled the worst sickness of the year.


Played Mafia for hours.


Sang Shakira's hips don't lie at least four times everyday. in spanish and english

Was at home in the trailer.

I was happy and loved.

April

Got close to the Porters
Realized i had never been to Disneyland
Babysat amazing kids
Wore pink for the first time in a long time
Fundraisers!!!
Learned to be an intern.
Life was never better






MAY
Experienced a little bit of heartbreak
Finished school year
Learned what i would look like pregnant
I got married...to Chase
And we had two kids together.
Enemies becamse best friends.
Visited the Garcias for a few days







JUNE

I WAS AN INTERN IN MEXICO!!!!!!
I learned patience.
I felt like I had a dad.
God moved in and through me.
People from South Dakota are so funny.
Was woken rudely.
Took my first airplane ride by myself.
Spilled coke blak in the airport.
Witnessed to a few people
Learned to love Pinon ice cream
And Limeades with Dave and Sam.
Missed someone I didn't know I even thought about
Broke down in tears in front of strangers for the first time.
found the refuge I've always found on the back porch.
I felt known and had purpose
Lyli said I should move to Mexico permanently.
I mattered for the first time.
To people who I wanted to matter to.

January,February, March

January

Went on Second Non OCC trip, but started painting the orphanage.
Became friends with Sam.

Life Defining Talk with Neil.
Started 7th grade spring semester at school.
Got to know everyone in Mexico.
Had my first Jack in the Box Taco in three years.
















February

Finished Painting the orphanage.

Had a happy valentine's day!
Can you say Calvary Drama?
Project 86/Chasing Victory/The Fold Concert
Got to know Summer.

Got some bad bruises in the mosh pit.

March

Mom got married.
Met Jen and Derek.

Started Bible Study with Shaena.

Wore my first ever dress since being like five.

Learned I loved Italian Food.

Became friends with Tanna.

Gained some grandparents.

Lived without my mom for the first time ever.

Really patched up my relationship with Shealeen.

The Weekend.

Was told I was beautiful.

Been the fakest I've ever been in my whole life for the sake of love.

Got stage fright for the first time ever.

remember how it used to be
when the sun would fill the sky
remember how we used to feel
those days would never end
those days would never end

remember how it used to be
when the stars would fill the sky
remember how we used to dream
those nights would never end
those nights would never end

it was the sweetness of your skin
it was the hope of all we might have been
that filled me with the hope to wish
impossible things
to wish impossible things

but now the sun shines cold
and all the sky is grey
the stars are dimmed by clouds and tears
and all i wish
is gone away
all i wish
is gone away
all i wish
is gone away

This may be weird. but that is my song for the year

So my day was literally made yesterday when Brigida emailed me. I was laughing so hard that I couldnt breath. I've missed Brigida so much it isn't even funny. And reading her email reminded me of this whole summer we spent together laughing and just being crazy. Like how we'd have these crazy long talks all of the time, driving to staff meetings or to Starbucks or sitting at the border waiting or in the loft. Brigida really has been like a best friend to me. I don't think I have ever met someone who was so interested in me. Yeah, I am always wanting to find out about people and I love listening to stories that they tell. But I've never met anyone who wanted to hear about me and know me. And Brigie always does. She wants to know the "vibe around town" and tell me about the boy she "loves to pieces." and go into all the great details with me. we were really musketeers last summer-her, sam, and me. I don't think I've ever talked with people so much. I don't think I've ever felt so me. I never got bored with Brigida. And I loved that they not only wanted to tell me all about Vancouver, a town in which I feel like I have lived all my life, but they wanted to hear about what was important to me.

And we DID so much fun stuff. And we were stuck in the most boring place on the planet-El Paso. Juarez is a lot of fun, but hey, we are two white chicks with limited english in a town of mexicans. So its not like we were out clubbing all of the time. But we made watching movies fun. And we cooked together and we played board games, and we sat at Sonic, and we did crafts, and we listened to music, and we jumped on the trampoline, and we got soaked and drove to the Smart. and we organized the bodega, and we laughed at the white people, and we played video games, and we played with the kids, and we ate ice cream, and we took pictures, and we danced for fun. And we ate lots of food all of the time. And we just drove around. I've never been more me. I've never felt more secure in somebody's company. A lot of people would say they were all stupid things. But we had fun. We really had fun.