I am finally content where I am. You see, this is my thing. Yesterday was my birthday, and it started off really terrible. My mom was mad at me, everyone was being a jerk and the Stores hadn't called me. So at that point in the morning, I felt pretty useless. Now that my mom is engaged it seems like all I do is dissapoint her when everything her fiancee does is perfect. So then I get the first blessing of the day, Tamara, Ray, and Shealeen all emailed me saying happy birthday. I was pretty amped, I can't lie, and then I got to go to Starbucks with Kelli and chill and talk and figure out what to do with these people in my life who i can't stand much longer. Then I got home, and watched 24 and had kabobs and had a birthday with Monica, Trudy, Steve, my aunt, my mom, and Rachel. Then we hung out. to top my night off, right before i went to bed, my aunt told me i had two messages. One from someone in Miami who partly raised me, and then one from Shawna. someone who went out of their way to get my number and call me. So I asked myself, Shawna isn't one of my "best friends", one of the people who keeps me around becuase they feel like they need to. She could have not gotten my number. But then there is one person who I want to call me, a friend who should have called me, and they didn't. I don't get an email, a phone call, or even a happy birthday at church. And now they are acting like I'm never there for them. This person has really hurt me, and they act like I don't want to hear them. Well, guess what!?! I have asked a hundred times over and have tried to be there, but what can I do when they pretend everything is alright and they go to the friends who really aren't interested in that part of their life. I'm confused by these people I call friends. There is only two who deserve that title. And I don't know what to say to the rest.
I'm sorry for anything I've done. You are hurting me. You are pretty lame and guess what, I need strong, mature Christians in my life, and you are not playing that role. You are abandoning me in my time of need, so what do you expect me to do?

-Sarah.

maybe i am old fashioned

i think she posed a serious question, what do you do when you have loved someone for two years and they leave you for someone they like? In all honesty, I've sometimes thought that if I told him, things would be different. He would forget about his little infatuation with her and love me.
But then where would I be? I would be thinking its all put together, but in reality its not. Becuase I suck at making things happen. I would have taken it into my own hands and it might be good, but it would not be God's best. Here I am writing my two cents in a scrapbook that you should never settle for less than God's best. But I'm forgetting it myself. I think it is stupid to say "He is holding my heart hostage" because that is just a stupid girl saying "LOOK At how you are hurting ME!" or I could say "you don't have my heart!" but then again, that might be partly a lie because when I think about it, he somewhat has a hold on it. And he messed with it, so in a sense, my heart is in a holding pattern, leaning more towards the "you don't have my heart."

In Isaiah we see that King Uzziah had to die before Isaiah could fully focus on God. Uzziah had to be taken off of the throne of Isaiah's heart so that God could reign. And so I ask myself, is he my Uzziah? And is this the process in which he will be dethroned? I know I am going through my crisis of encounter, and I intend to come out with a dependency on God (Do i really have much choice?)

Anyway, I think a girl putting pressure on a guy to tell her he likes her is selfish and inconsiderate. Its only for one's self-edification, not for the relationship. what do you think you are going to do? Date? Well then it has to be clear that both of them are ready for that. in our situation, no body is ready to date. everyone is selfish and has their own desires. And they are my friends but they are teenagers. This is just whacked.

yes, that is my story. extracted lyrics which eloquently display my thoughts on a boy...

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

Untitled

yep, that is the ring box. and with it, my life pretty much turns to well, I'm not sure. Pete talked about having peace, why do I not fully have it. I have this nagging feeling that this is all going to be stupid. and hard and I don't really know. I'm confused and people are so whacked. its a sad thing to come to a realization on Christmas Eve that you don't really have any friends. Friends who you can call at two in the morning. I guess its just that all my friends are coupling. there is _________ & _________, _________ & _________, and ________& _________. So where does that leave me, honestly? where do I fit into the mix. Everyone else has a significant other or at least a significant friend and on Christmas its hard to fit into that somewhere. to have my love be christ but have nothing tangible to signify that. I don't really know what to do.
-sarah

to dispell myspace rumors

for those of you who pay even the slightest attention, yes, there is a myspace in my possession. and guess what i am using it for, communication with Sarah Crespo. everyone else you mean a lot to me, but guess what, i have your email addresses. i still love you. but no, i did not back down like others and give in to the addiction. i already had that myspace from a while ago and i used it to communicate with her. yep, I'm thinking of getting my hair cut like hers. that is my story.
-sarah

That Was Me Who Whispered In Your Ear

If you were there the night Sarah sang in Vertical, you know not only how amazing she is and how awesome her singing is, but you as well can remember how great her lyrics are. Sarah is amazing.

That Was Me Who Whispered In Your Ear

That was me
When the wind blew
And you thought someone called your name
I heard your cry
When you thought no one was listening
Let me wipe away your sarrow

(Chorus)
Cuz’ I love you
And I will help you staaannnd
I am reaching out...
Just grab my hand
Just grab my hand

Don’t hurt your self
Cuz’ I made you perfect
You’re more precious than any gold
The pain you feel right now
Can’t compare to how I felt
On the cross
and I did it because…
(chorus)

-Sarah Crespo

Six Year Old Heart

Yesterday was the first time
I felt your love again
You’ve been gone for quite some time
And I can see where I got my smile from

She said you’re not just a memory
But I took a picture in case

Mama said you left this morning
And I don’t know what to say

(chorus) So why’d you come back
Into my life
I bet you didn’t think about
The six year old heart you broke
I’m sorry
But your not my Daddy

Yesterday was the last time
I felt your love again
You’ve been gone for quite some time
Never caught me when I fell
Mama said that you love me… but how can that be?
How can someone love someone so much
If they’re never around to see?
(Chorus)

-Sarah Crespo

A Guy, A Girl, A Vicious Cycle

There was a guy,

And this one girl...

They were the best of friends.

Through the good times and the bad

They knew It'd never end.

He always had his ups and downs,

And she was there to help.

She wiped his tears

And rid his fears

And helped him with his troubles.

As much as she had helped this boy,

He helped her times two thousand.

He dried her tears

And rid her fears

and helped defeat her troubles.

She loved this boy more than anything

And way past little crushing.

But she wasn't brave

So she'd never tell that boy what she really wanted.

Now the day had come to pass

That she thought it was her only chance.

She could say what she wanted,

never again to be so taunted.

finally she got the nerve....

but then she turned away...

For in his arms she found another.

And she hung her head in shame.

She cried herself to sleep that night,

Just like every other.

Won'dring why God has given

Her these feelings unlike all other.

One day that other broke his heart

And left him torn beyond repair.

But the girl was still there for him

And did what others didn't dare.

She picked up even the smallest part.

And put back together his broken heart.

This viscous cycle went on and on

And goes on till this day.

The girl will always love that boy

But she can't only go by what he says.

She found a place to hide her thoughts.

Only doing what she was taught.

But i guess some things are better hidden

Oh well, these thoughts are all forbidden.

~by: Kristen Lott~

a classic blessing

I will rise and go to Jesus
He will embrace me in His arms
And in the arms of my dear Savior
there are ten thousand charms.

Christ holds everything and is all good. We choose to come to Him and fall into His arms becuase He embraces us. He deisres to hold us and hold us close to Him. I honestly believe that God wants to bless us and does so. But His idea of blessing is so different from ours. Blessing looks different to Him. I am reading The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis and it clearly outlines how God is all-good and the trials He has us endure are really a blessing, just the blessing is so radically opposite of our understanding that we take it as punishment when really it is God working in us and working to perfect us.

Follow You Down

Follow You Down by Blindside

It's the smallest things
That have a tendency to hurt for the longest time
It's like you found a way inside

This time I'm not going to follow you down
I'll fall in love with the sound
So push me back and I'll stay the same
And fall in love with the sound of silence

I'm armed but the gun is not loaded
I guess I could find my way out of this
But it's like you found a way inside
And I hate that I suspect you're right

But this time I'm not going to follow you down
I'll fall in love with the sound
So push me back and I'll stay the same
And fall in love with the sound of silence
Silence is golden but golden teeth are so much sharper
It's not easy but I'm biting my tongue off
Even though you're right
Your words lie

This time I'm not going to follow you down
I'll fall in love with the sound
So push me back and I'll stay the same
And fall in love with the sound of silence

Cute Boring Love by Blindside

She said what I was supposed to think
Thank God for freedom
Thank God for liberation (
She said) Now we are allowed to think
Now we are allowed to feel lust without cute boring love

But don't you ever just like me
Long for purity
Don't you ever
Get sick of our territories

What are you so scared of sister
What made you so afraid to feel
To chose a stone cold liberation
The one thing I hate most about me
Is the one thing you want to make your trademark
To feel lust without cute boring love

But don't you ever just like me
Long for purity
Don't you ever
Get sick of our territories
Don't you ever feel like glass
Fragile, hurting, letting it pass
Don't you think it's time to trespass

But when the fire is gone
Who are you?
What are you so scared of sister?
I'm just as scared as you

and i thought it would all be okay...but its not. and that is for once, really just fine. my call is upward. I'm one day closer.

Myspace

Its just an addiction. i partly deleted mine because i was spending too much time on it. time i could be doing other things. but a main reason was because of all of the drama it caused. Lovey comments, weird stuff like that. I didn't need it in my life. it was becoming a useless waste of my time. you wouldnot believe the things i can do without it. The book of ecclesiastes and 2nd thessalonians are really amazing.
Why even have myspace? i have email. if people use myspace to really just keep in touch, give them my email. loveistheway15@gmail.com
that is the way to do everything.
Myspace is not glorifiying or serving christ and my time is better spent cultivating the character he desires in me.
-sarah

Rachel painting faces

Rachel painting faces
Originally uploaded by loveistheway15.

This year was probably one of the most amazing years because we really got to interact with the kids this time around. Rachel and I got to paint faces most of the weekend. and it was so muc fun. all of these kids were Rachel's faces that she painted.
I'm still trying to figure out what is so amazing about getting your face painted. But there is something to it. I should know, considering at least 5 different kids painted my face on the first day. needless to say, i had a hard time washing it off of my face.

Rachel and I

Rachel and I
Originally uploaded by loveistheway15.

The day at the gym was really exciting. The adrenaline is really pumping that day. You go for a long time just standing amongst thousands of kids and trying to speak with them and play and just comfort them with a smile. Rachel and I were so tired but so satisfied. Such a surreal experience requires that you be content with what Christ did no matter what happened. He worked and that is all that mattered, no matter how tired you are.

Denver Pogo-Sticking

Denver Pogo-Sticking
Originally uploaded by loveistheway15.

In Mexico, this is amazing. Denver has perfected the art of pogo-sticking.
I still have not learned, I'm athletically challenged here! But look at Denver's mad skill.

The Real Sam Porter

The Real Sam Porter
Originally uploaded by loveistheway15.

Oh, Sam the murderer. if you think he looks funny here, imagine looking at him as a little mexican man. he does the impersonation really well. Him and his sidekick! Look, there's a quarter! (if you aren't rachel, you don't have to understand)

His glory must be raised above man's good. This weekend was my third OCC trip to Juarez, Mexico. God never ceases to amaze me as he perfectly orchestrates our trip and the people we interact with. This trip especially held certain meaning for me this year. With the occurrences in my life it is easy for me to get sidetracked and just have a hard time dealing. I went into this trip expecting God to change me completly. and he did, but not in the way i intended. it is hard to explain, becuase I'm not perfectly sure i know how I feel after it is all said and done. Yesterday morning I finished 1st thessalonians and started on Ecclesiastes once again. And in thessalonians I read this "May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. may your whole spirit, soul body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. the one who calls you is faithful and he will do it."

Maybe you can start to understand my thoughts. that last verse stuck out to me. "the one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." I know that I love mexico and I know that I love missions, and I was praying constantly as I sat in the hospitals, the gym, and the schools about how God would show that this was his will. And I was reassured that he calls me to something and whatever that is, it will happen. he is calling me to something greater than myself and i want to leave a legacy and I want to be near to God, no matter what that looks like. I want Him to reveal Himself to me.

this year specifically stood out to me in one aspect-the glossed luster of missions was not there. Don't get me wrong, my heart burns and yearns for God's face to be seen in these people's lives. But it looked different this year. I didn't have that spark of "Omigosh i am in mexico and these people are so poor." Its indescribeable. I felt bad for them, but I knew that I could provide nothing for them but the opportunity to know Christ. and that is all that matters. My heart burned for these people we were ministering to more than ever, but it wasn't glossed and artificial. It was the long-lasting feeling I get when I am in the presence of God. I viewed these people as my own and I wasn't pertrubed by them, I smiled at their dirty and dry faces because God is working in them. and honestly, i love them more than anything.

His will will be done.

Holy Fire

Burn away,

my desire for anything

that is not of you

but is of me

I want more of you

and less of me

empty me, empty me,

fill me, with You, with You

Until later,

sarah

email me the theories concerning the below blog at my email address. loveistheway15@gmail.com
that would be swell. I want to come home and have email. which I doubt, I mean, who reads my blog anyway? which is good, they might be afraid of me if they did.

Why do I even keep this blog? It is a day before I leave for Mexico, and already I can't wait. A six hour drive, including all of the times Steve and everyone will get lost plus getting over the border. What will God show me? I am already up to my ears in reading i have to do by the end of the semester, and poems I have to write, and friends I have to talk to. (well not have to, but its like there cna be so many of them, how can I keep track?) Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, or at least those who could be defined as real friends. But I'm getting that eery feeling that I'm being replaced by the ones who I care about most. By the way, if you are a morning person, you should tell me and maybe I will ask you to marry me. Trust me, only Josh and Shealeen will understand that proposal. I promise I won't propose though.
Which leads to another thought. What is up with all of this crazy crap about telling the person that you like that you like them? Its like, one of the "couples" that i look up to most haven't even voiced to each other how they feel (obviously they both know though) and its been a whole year that they have felt that way. And its like, you like someone for a month and you can't hold it in any longer? its just weighing upon your soul so heavily? I don't at all understand that. This is my opinion, I'm not trying to shove it down your throat, I just don't get the point of telling someone you like them at our age. At least after just one month. I mean, what happens in a year if you don't like that person any more? If you've told someone you like them, please explain this theory to me, what can't you wait for? Especially if you are a girl. Guys are supposed to lead. oh that whole scene is so confusing and someone needs to do a documentary on it that explains it in plain and logical language. But is love ever logical? And how do you know its love and not infatuation?
I'm still looking for a definition on that. well, that is my blog for the day. I will be in Mexico, so no need to fear if I am not blogging, I will be walking to the corner store with Bob Church and getting pistacio ice cream and strawberries and cream. and it should be amazing! GOD is the focus and serving too. For once, i can get away from that drama of relationships. Its so crazy, so I wonder what God wants to do through it.
Until later-
sarah

I would have more easily been able to explain polynomials and greek influnces than tell you what God is trying to do in our lives. Why He puts us through tough times and He never stops molding us. For so long, I've built walls around myself in order to keep my hurt to myself and keep the pain from being known. Yet, I've found in my four walls that I'm useless. That God can't use me when I limit both Him and myself. This is all to the glory of God even when I don't feel like I have friends, and my family is going crazy, and boys are being boys. this is to his glory. and no matter what is going on, he is behind the scenes making every work for his plan.

This sickness is not unto death but to the glory of God that the Son of God may be glorified through it. -John 11:4

jesus, i'm ready to come home

You may view me as a child
But my eyes have seen
And my heart has been through
More than would be qualified for a child.
Acts which no one could prevent
That have molded me.
I may define me as an adult,
But I am not perfectly wise,
My life is not finished
I have not learned all there is to learn.
He may see me as a vessel,
And He has the right idea,
Which He will fill with priceless wisdom,
Time and experience,
Soon we will not know
If I am a child or an adult.

Music blaring loudly,
Emery and Underoath
Lyrics flood my thoughts
The overwhelming feelings of the day
Are put to rest
When I lay in bed
And those words reflect my struggle.
The events I don’t understand
Don’t know how to deal with.
Amidst the present doubt,
I’m still trusting,
Even when my feet fall
From beneath me-
“I know that whatever God does,
It shall be forever.
Nothing can be added to it,
And nothing taken from it.
God does it
That men should fear before Him.”
In this loving promise,
I’ve come to trust.
In his sovereign control,
The perfect plan he has.
His grace and mercy
Abounding and saving me.
“Desperate to brush the lips of grace
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I lied?
Oh sweet angel of mercy
With your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me.”
Lyrics reassuring desperately,
It was perfectly planned,
I was appointed from eternity.
“The chains of death are falling,
But my heart still bleeds
It longs for the day”
Each day is one closer,
To eternity,
The world which satisfies
The longings of my heart.

I’ve learned that everything perfects for that day
Each day, a way to survive
Love is the way
Unfailing love that covers.
Forgives and heals the broken heart
My own mistakes made me push away
The love that could be mine.
Trust is the anchor
Belief in One who never fails me.
All else has,
Human nature lacks perfect and true love
But I will have it one day.
Hope is the path
Which we must walk
But it leads into
The arms of love
Into ten thousand charms.
I await the day
I’m ready
I know these days are numbered
I was made for another world
To rest in the arms of love.

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."-C.S. Lewis

a poem and nothing more

Everything is against me
I don’t understand
These happenings
This death
This sickness
It’s too much to handle.
Happiness is absent
Like the light a candle brings
The knowledge of how to posses
Is the one thing I lack.
Yet you came to a wretch like me
And fulfilled my desires.
Replaced the longings
I found all I needed in You,
I found all you were trying to do.
You chose a vessel with which to glorify
Your name eternally.
Now lacking nothing
Now resting peacefully
Life complete
Life so deep.


If there's anything necessary to your eternal happiness but God, you're not the kind of Christian that you ought to be. For only God is the true rest.If we cannot believe God when circumstances seem to be against us, we do not believe Him at all.
-Charles Spurgeon

i have never felt this joy before

Tamara is back in town and this joy i feel is like nothing i have ever felt before. its amazing and i love seeing her here. and getting to hear what Christ is doing in her life. I have never felt so happy and I have missed her and I'm excited to get to know her better and this is just great.

me and my dream come true

God completely gave me the most beautiful revelation. As you may not know, I've been struggling with a guy that I like. but god in his perfection led me to a beautiful revelation. I was listening to the Apathetic EP and specifically OVERthinking, the acoustic version, and it was the first time that the words made complete sense. They said "I was thinking, over thinking, about how far i had let this go, one more guy/girl cliche, I know now you're just in the way, of me and my dream come true."
If you know me, you know that I want to be a medical missionary in any foreign country that God will take me. Even if i live in an area in Paupa New Guinea where it rains 362 days of the year, I love to be in foreign countries. Christ has given me a passion for the bibleless peoples of the world, and I can't deny that. My husband, whoever and wherever he is, must have similar desires. An unquenchable thirst to see God's face and serve, anytime and anywhere. Does that make sense?
Well, I realized about this specific boy that that is not really him. God has completely shown me that maybe he is more comfortable flirting and goofing off than he is when serving. I mean, the kid thinks i shouldn't do hard work, like lifting and pushing. (or at least what he says tells me this) but that is where i love being. I love doing anything and everything that needs to be done. I take great pleasure in finishing a job and serving someone else, that is just part of my personality. And whoever i date or marry must be the same way. he must possess an eager desire to serve any time it is needed and even when it is hard.
And this boy really doesn't seem to be like that. don't get me wrong, he's great and all, but i don't see a servant's heart to the level that i know God wants me to have in whoever I spend a lot of time with. And thinking and worrying about him is in the way of me becoming the servant that God desires for me. I'm letting him get in the way of me and my dream come true. I may have a lot of limitations in hard work becuase i am a girl, but i would prefer for a guy to help me rather than tell me not to do it. Respect that I love doing this stuff, but be a gentleman and help. Does any of this make sense? do you think i'm being to hard on him?

I no longer matter, but that is okay

I've done all I can do. If he doesn't want to be friends, can I force that? What is God possibly trying to teach me through this? I've hashed it out with God and I know what I would need, I know my desires and what I would want to do with my life. Everything from wanting to serve in foreign missions to loving to snowboard to wanting to be involved in street witnessing to high school students. And I know God will exceed my expectations. He has never failed to show me his goodness. And someday, I will be like Nick and Shaena, and God will provide my "Nick". who knows, maybe I should move to Puerto Rico. that sounds like an exciting plan.

time cannot erase

this is the suckiest feeling in the world.
my friend is moving to freaking texas, and by the end of the week, she will be gone. its like one of the worst feelings in the world. I knew she was going to be moving but i was suprised when i heard in a freakin week. Every part of my humanity is screaming that i don't want her to go, but i have to let her go. and a lot of other people are gonna have it worse off with her leaving, but that doesn't mean it makes my struggle any easier. its like, life just wont be the same without her.
School is absolutely stupid. and my eyes hurt.
I want to trust god but i feel like I am failing him too much. Its my fault and I'm messing everything up, and i want to trust him but I'm afraid to misrepresent him.
And I know this is the gayest subject to talk about but boys are stupid. its like, how would you like to feel like your guy friends only hang out with you for another girl. well that is how I feel and I wrote this nice long letter to one of them but I'll probably never deliver it becuase it might jsut mss everythingup. But understand this, its not meant to offend him. he is offending me rightnow, and i don't want him to do that. is it selfish to not want to let him put me through this crap.
oh i'm tired of it all. but i want christ to shine through me. how am i supposed to do this?

Relationships and other thoughts on closed doors

Pete gave one of the greatest messages on wednesday night. and it really applied to my life. will you listen while i share with you what God is teaching me?
In short, simply that rushing God does no good. I was wondering, should I tell him how I feel, what is hurting me, and then can I run away from that problem, and never deal with it. Just forget about the pain and take that component out of my life? and God said "NO WAY SARAH!"
I was reading On Being a Servant, ironically enough, and I clearly felt Him saying, I want you to stay, but wait for me, keep your heart pure, and I will work it out for you. But you must give me control. so now I'm waiting to see what he will do. I gave him control and lifting off that burden is so good. I think it is the greatest.
s

this is what i want in life

Six weeks from today, I will have been up for 4 or 5 hours playing cards at the compound. Missions has changed my life. Everything about it. The way I view my problems, my posssessions, and mostly God. Nothing so radically alters your life than being with 50 or 75 people for an entire weekend, and not having everything you want, but going out and serving those who are in need, sharing with them the love that Christ has for them. Mexico, and Missions in general, represents so much to me. I rededicated my life at the Weekend 04 but God softened my heart the December before. I was a Christian, meaning I believed that Christ died for me and rose again, but the reality of Christ in my life was a distant thing. He was not the ruler and my personal savior. That mission trip made me turn to God in my desperate times when I was grieving my cousin. As I stood right in the place where he had fallen, the Lifehouse song ran through my mind "And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you." God brought me to a place that I dreaded and cut through my heart, revealing my true need for him.
Likewise, I met one of my best friends while on an OCC Mexico trip. Rachel and I have been friends for two years that weekend. when you are the only two girls in a dormroom full of snoring women, trust me you get really close. Rachel has impacted my life in so many ways, and just makes me smile on a regular basis. And I know that Christ completely worked in that relationship. So this holds our two year anniversery of being friends. And without a doubt, we will celebrate that every December from now on. Happy Birthday to Us!
That weekend, Christ stirred in me a passion that my heart cannot explain. I'll confess that out-of-country missions is all I want. If it was up to me I would do it for the rest of my life. But God holds my future, and that might not be the forward motion that he has in store, but oh how I wish it was. God has taught me that ministry isn't just in the slums. Service is an opportunity that is generally opened every moment of everyday.
Ministry takes place when divine resources meet human needs through loving channels to the glory of God.
-On Being A Servant

brought to you...

to be called to follow Christ is a high honor; higher indeed than any honor men can bestow upon each other-A.W. Tozer

Every wrong thing that i see in you, God finds in me.-Oswald Chambers

Obedience to God is the most infallible evidence of sincere and supreme love to Him.-Nathaneal Emmons

I find the doing of the will of God leaves me no time for disputing about his plans-George MacDonald

I love to hear my Lord spoken of, and wherever I have seen the print of His shoe in the earth, there have I coveted to put mine also. --John Bunyan

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."--C.S. Lewis , from Mere Christianity

A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell.--C.S. Lewis

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. --C. S. Lewis

Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours. --C. S. Lewis

If there's anything necessary to your eternal happiness but God, you're not the kind of Christian that you ought to be. For only God is the true rest." A.W. Tozer, Attributes of God

"The Chief end of man is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever."…-A.W. Tozer

If we cannot believe God when circumstances seem to be against us, we do not believe Him at all. -Charles Spurgeon

The final draft

My finger slid along the edge of the key, creasing my pointer temporarily. Harder I squeezed as I read the words on the page, taking in air shortly. Twisting with dread, my gut felt like it was being kicked with every word that dripped with resentment. Unable to handle any more, I wiped tears from my eyes and neatly folded the letter. Eyes lingering on the letters gathered to make words that acted as daggers, my mind floated back to the question that everyone had asked of me.
Guitar chords blaring, music split the air, breaking any peace that could be attained in a concert auditorium. Last minute preparations, a nagging responsibility, had to be made. As a manager, I was to bring passion to the music as rain brings moisture to the dry ground, and take care of those who ushered the music into the world, regardless of the neglect I showed for myself. My feelings and mood could not dictate my performance. It could not lack no matter how weary I was. Having completed my tasks, I took a seat on the concrete steps backstage. Security began to allow attendees into the convention center. The lights dimmed, but the florescent spotlights lingered, illuminating only a small section of the crowd. Eyes gazing out over the arena, darkness seemed to pull everything under a black sheet, never to release them. Blackness gripped me tightly, holding my attention, unwavering and devoted. A sudden change in decibels broke my train of thought and caused the black monster to withdraw.
What is wrong with me? The bright colors of the concert shirts, the screaming of the crowd, loud and prone-to-moshing, but mostly the thrill of traveling city-to-city no longer excited me. It had only been 20 days. Twenty days since my family had slightly loosened their grip, and let me slide through their hand like grains of sand. I had been granted permission to do what I wanted. However, this feeling of isolation wasn’t what I desired.
The last remaining body in the convention center, I stood frozen for a moment. Now fully illuminated yet vacant, the auditorium was barren. The silence overtook me. The emptiness swallowed me, and the tears were finding a way to their newly found home. My chest fluctuated as sobs echoed throughout the hall. Hands clutching at my knees to remain stable, I was unwilling to pitifully fall to the ground. The letter descended with my forward movement, floating to the ground. Staring at the envelope with remorse, their words made clear that I was neglecting everything I held dear. I had done wrong to everyone, including myself. I had left them for 36 days without a thought. It was only right that they be discontented. The nice cursive letters looked all too sweet on the front of the envelope, but they held feelings of bitter resentment. The daggers stabbed at my heart once again. I turned down the lights, but the question they asked of me remained. “Where were you when I was alone…”

It defines romance

My friend Michelle Angela Lovette wrote this. She'll be in Albuquerque SOON! back from the land of California.

Chesterton wrote: "Thus comes the thing called Romance, a purely Christian product. A man cannot deserve adventures; he cannot earn dragons and hippogriffs. The mediaeval Europe which asserted humility gained Romance; the civilization which gained Romance has gained the habitable globe"

A guy from my Classics group commented:However, to take something as large as Romance and say that it is a purely Christian product seemed a bit much (p22). Does he mean Christ's pursual of us in it's patience and perseverance is romantic to the point that it defines Romance?

So these are my forming thoughts...Romance-what is it? I consider it safe to presume that the initial inclination is to pin it to purely the lovey-dovey feeling that seems to shroud and envelope two individuals into...well...a subreality of themselves. To confine it to wooing and flirting and excitement...But is that all it is? What is it? A quality or feeling...sure....Is it possible that it is an awakening of a profound desire for an everlasting(...love). In joking, I boasted, "that guy lost his chance with me!" A friend responded, "Well, Michelle, if there were that reality of love between you two, there never was a chance to be had, it just happens." I was silenced. Romance isn't a chance here today, gone tomorrow. It is a gradual unfolding of splendor into your very being--in direct relation to another being. It is the splendor all persons long for...I believe it is beyond the butterfly love, but it is a security, an adoration, a submission, a peace, it is the something that a soul longs for. It is a mystical occurrence between two, because it is birthed from the response of one to their one and only caller. I am a bit stuck here, because I believe it resides in a dormant state, but, somehow, our carnal nature attempts to define it only through the means it can...through the senses. (But if romance is in a quiescent state within us, how do we know it is there?)The unabated satisfaction is very rarely reached because it can only be awakened by a specific entity and I believe that people seek it out in unfulfillable ways. The impulsiveness of our corporeal selves will find satisfaction , but the pleasure is fleeting. I am probably somewhat cloudy in thought here, because I am still forming my understanding. Please feel free to comment.So, how then is Romance a Christian product? Yep, that's right! It was packaged with bright red paper and labeled in pink letters by official church clergy of Jesus Christ-----------------------> No, that is wrong; romance is not a formula to follow.It wasn't 'invented' at the 'establishment of Christianity'. The fact of the matter, is that Christianity did not begin with the resurrection of Jesus. Christianity did not "begin" with the gathering of a few people to talk about the teachings of a man named Yeshua. Christianity isn't an institution that was established to dish out recipes on how to live. Christianity...well, is God. It "began" with God, everything is made through him and not without him anything is made... romance precedes even the beginning of time...if that can be conceived with your mind. I attempt to grasp it, but it is like a slick little toad between my feeble fingers. Christianity is the term we use, but it's essence is outside of time. Romance is a movement between two entities, two very specific entities at that. What is so unique about Romance, as Chesterton emphasizes, is that it cannot be earned. Give a girl a bouquet after she has won the title of 'Miss Universe'. "Well, gee, thanks (teary eyed) Gosh! I'm wonderful! Thanks!" Now give a girl a bouquet-be it purchased from a florist or hand-picked from a field, or heck, drawn on a sheet of paper. Why? Well, just because...just because you adore her. Oh wow, oh my!Do you remember Popeye the Sailor Man? Brutus had his schemes at wooing Olive Oyl and sometimes she entertained his pursuits , but, ultimately, Popeye was the only one. Now, romance experienced at the sensual level is surely wonderful, but what is even greater is the pursual of an undeserving soul. To be rescued from the dungeons of doom, the dragons that breathe deceit, the weeping and gnashing of teeth. To be sought out, when you never ever deserved it. It isn't a handsome knight rescuing a princess because her beauty is unprecedented, but because his love for her is completed once he has her. She hasn't done anything to deserve being rescued. Christ was whipped, ridiculed, stabbed, and pierced for me. He just wanted to. And in the end, something grand happens...it isn't the showering with gifts galore, but an indwelling of the very self of the pursuer; to have the dull slate within you painted with the most vibrant of colors. That is what romance is.

I feel as though I can’t express these word so I spill from my finger tips,
Never letting go of the pen I’ve been writing with.
If I sever my hand I may stop the bleeding,
my heart cant take in what I’ve been feeding.
This anger inside me needs to be let out,
I feel though that it will take more than a shout.
This thought has become more than a sin,
Its become a lust that I wish I had no part in.
This desire for what is wrong, I let build up inside of me for far to long,
This is something that needs to be taken care of,
Forgive me please, I can’t even love.
If you wont leave me now in my place of regret,
I will be forced to leave you and send out for another net.
Something that will grab me, constrict me and hold me,
I don’t want to be set loose for this thing that overcomes me.
Is it wrong that I can’t love you?
Its all in my heart and I cant seem to true.
I’ve been hiding it for all this time,
But now that you finally know my life has no rhyme.
I can’t ever love you, and I don’t even care,
I’ve lost all my conscience and now heart never seems to tear.
Is it wrong that I can’t love you? Is it wrong that I never will?
Did I ever seem to taunt you? Or is it just me with the lust to kill?
These thoughts I try never to entertain,
But every time I try not to I fell a hard pouring rain.
It makes me want something I don’t,
Please just get away and I so I cant even touch you, I promise I wont.
I leave you with this final note,
For this sickness that I have there is only one antidote.
Some one to come inside of your life,
He will change you and take away your strife.
Even though we have this over-compelling discord,
We just need to cry out to our Lord.
He's the only one who can save us now,
Though we thought there was nothing we could do as the oxen pulls the plow.
Is it wrong that don’t love you?
Cause I probably never will.

-Joshua Rickett
(one of the sweetest peole in the world, and one of the greatest writers.)

I'm tired, i just want to go home

i'm tired of all of this. i'm tired of him doing this to me. and i won't take it any more.
these tears are too worthy for him. In short, he's stupid and he doesn't know it or maybe he does. either way, he is playing with me, and i'm tired of it. our friendship is becoming a burden because he's being a jerk. what am i supposed to do? keep letting him do this? what should i do?

I lost my way and there’s no way to get back,
The knowledge of how to get home is the one thing I lack.
There’s something inside of me that tells me to leave
But I cant listen to a word I say, I cant even breathe.

I’m lost in this place that scares me to leave,
(But I’m too scared to stay.)

I’ve lost so much now it’s so hard to believe,
(I’ve tried to run away.)

Things are getting worse in every situation
(I try but I fail)

The more I think, it moves along the contemplation.
(There’s no where to sail.)

You tell me it’s easy but I’m telling you its not
(Maybe your write but I hate to be wrong)

I’m sick of this place I’m in, I just need to be caught.
(Now I wish you so long.)

I’m lost in my mind and I don’t know where to go
(Things are so black that I’ve lost my way)

I really really wanted to, I can’t even show.
(My voice has caught up but I still have nothing to say.)

The words I meant for you have escaped my lungs,
But so has the breath in me, I fell like I’m speaking in tongues.
I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused ill leave you alone,
I’ll die in my resting place without even shown.

-Joshua Rickett

This will be forever...

I'm finally finding that that I can't add
What you do will endure forever.
Its not my actions that will add to yours.
They will only leave me in the same position.

But You've been truthful all along,
and I've pushed you away and been wrong.
Now you're leading me back,
and this will be forever...

After my mistakes
I still haven't disturbed
the state of solidness that you have endured
I haven't messed up what you have concluded
I cannot fall out of your plan

But you've been truthful all along
And I've pushed you away and been wrong.
Now you're leading me back,
and this will be forever.

Seeing that I can't affect this,
plan you've created at the first.
I'm finally fearing your presence,
your plan is my story and I'm left without a pencil or eraser.

But you've been truthful all along
And I've pushed you away and been wrong.
Now you're leading me back,
and this will be forever...

For the moments i feel faint...

I'm finally finding that I can't keep waiting,
That perhaps you are ever lost.
That my efforts mean nothing,
You will do what you want even at the cost of my heart.
You will always fail me even though I wish you wouldn't.
And I will always fail you even when it seems I couldn't.
I've tried so hard to be everything to you
As you have been everything to me.
But now I dethrone you,
and strip you of your power.

Did you think me childish,
not soon to understand your ways?
You are a human and your cunning tricks have captivated me too long.
I have given you power and you have used it wrongly,
you have played and fooled with me.
And even if you claim no responsibility, I am sure of your knowledge.
For even your heart is not so hardened,
And I have held on but perhaps now,
I'm realizing why you have stuck around.

Perhaps for her or him,
either way, your motives were untrue.
You could not clearly begin to understand
that you should have influenced me for Him.
And now that you hold no power over me,
You will know by my rebuttal of your attentions,
That I am serious in my convictions.
My heart has been ravaged by many who claim good intentions,
And for some time it may have been true,
But in the end, you did nothing but harm.
And even the good times are not worthy of the pain you have caused.

This is my apology for not being what you wanted.
I'm sorry that I am now fully satisfied
In the breath of life, the savior of my soul.
He will never fail me, and never let go.
Just know that you hold no power,
He has found my heart,
And trust me, He will not let go.

but my voice is weak

What would you say if you knew how I felt?
if you understood the pain and chaos that ensues when you aren't around
My words have been silently uttered
for I am not bold in my voice,
you have claimed a listening ear
but perhaps you are too deaf.
your senses are not keen to pain
as you have never felt it.
Your refining process comes later,
so you do not understand mine right now.
I will be there
I will follow you and comfort you in any way.
The roads we walk are separate,
but I will still try my best to reach out to you
because that is what I need right now.
I will not claim to fully understand
or just sit and listen to your struggles.
but I will encourage and I will ask you to look to God
Reminding you of His love and plan
for I have surely felt it.
But I request that you not give me your surface-level advice
or claim to know when you don't.
There is nothing that hurts more.
some day you will understand my reluctance in sharing
when you are in the same position.
But I hope to be available to you even when you have been absent for me.

But my voice is weak and your ear is not yet strong.

Your voice will be weak, but hopefully my ear will be strong.

could it be that i don't know...

hey this is the first draft of the first serious poem i have ever written. so youcan be nice and tell me what you really think. come on it was just for fun.

Will your promises be broken,
and will you fail my heart once again?
Every part that I have devoted to you
the fragments that have labeled over and over again.
Whose owners have been numerous
and yet none have ever satisfied the cravings.

And now I stand here,
in the midst of silence.
Will my heart be satisfied on this Earth?
Will the world which I was made for finally appear?
My yearnings have not been fulfilled,
and my heart is not at rest.
But as the owner of it,
I demand its immediate withdrawl from depression.

Before the encounter which shaped my humanity,
the pieces of my existence were carefully sectioned off.
Owners were many and fleeting,
until the dawn of that day.
By grabbing fullfillment everywhere,
I found it nowhere.
Until my crisis of encounter,
I wandered, lost and forlorn,
And devoted my heart to nothing but my own wants.
But He intended to meet my needs.
He reserved his secrets for those who
sought after him with their whole hearts.
At this, I readily surrendered my heart,
completely and utterly to His love.
Breaking the bonds and chains which had held me in captivity
for I found in him all I needed.
His throne is everlasting,
and now that he is rightfully placed, he will not be moved.

refuse the mourning

For once, my day was hard, yet totally spectacular. my basic summarization: awesome and amazine. this whole weekend has been great. First the Corpse Bride, then fitting all of us in Manda's car, and then watching the videos of the boys as fetuses. yes, it did make me cry. In short, simply great. and then my uncles came into town because my grandpa is going to die-not so spectacular, but it is cool having all of the family in town. and then church was just great. Nick taught and it was amazine. OCC started and that is just great. already i am being recruited to present at HOPE again. that is crazy, it felt like just yesterday i was doing the same thing. I totally got to hang out with one of my FAVORITE people like all night last night at church and all day today so i'm doing just well. Steamers were really good. it is truly a die hard tradition that we must keep alive. God was quietly blessing me and it was evident to me that He was telling me that it will all get better. That these wounds will heal and that the scars will forever be a reminder of my need to depend on him completely. He is all i need. Good or bad, my lips will praise him.
until later-
sarah

Just to be with you my Lord

You know that I love you
You know that I want to know you so much more
More than I have before
These words are from my heart
These words are not made up
I will live for you, I am devoted to you
King of majesty I have one desire
Just to be with you my Lord
Just to be with you my Lord
Jesus you are the savior of my soul,
And forever and ever I'll give my praises to you.

Everything is going well, and obviously someone is going to start messing it up here soon, but I will survive the valleys with God. He is amazing. I want to know him so much more, and just be with Him. There is one person that I am commited to waiting for, and that is the Savior of my Soul.
My heart is lost in New Orleans-
until later-
sarah

And I've finally found...

I've finally found that life goes on without you. At this crossroads, as I find myself losing family and friends and relationships that have meant so much to me, I know that life goes on. I don't see any of his purpose in this, but at the end of the road there is a soverign God who has worked everything out accordingly. It is encouraging to know that people care about me. My teacher, who is the last person I would imagine taking an interest in my life outside of school is asking to be let in as she is learning how much is going on. And she isn't a Christian, so I have an awesome opportunity to share with her the hope that I have in Christ, and share with her directly in words that he is my one desire and that I know he is working and is gracious and full of mercy.
And concerning the rest, someone shared a really awesome quote with me, and they know who they are. "It's better to lose your pride to the one that you love, than to lose the one you love because of pride. We spend to much time looking for the right person to love or finding fault with those we already have love, when instead we should be perfecting the love we give." How true, I care, but I've finally found that life goes on with him and that God can do anything if it is in his will. And I don't want to step outside of His will and desire for my life. Thinking that I know what is best only sets me up for ruin because I can't work against His will. I'm safe from a losing fight when I trust in him.
And it will be something that only I understand, but guess what 'my heart's lost in New Orleans' and i know that is what He desires for me throughout my life.
until later-
sarah

I'll take a double-shot

i'm just sitting here, trying to figure out what to put on the first page of my friends' scrapbook. this is a hard decision. if you know me, i am slaving over this scrapbook in between homework, and am out of money, so i can't buy any more materials. that makes me sad. but hopefully the boys will like it and cherish it as long as they live. come on, it describes in words and pictures the days when they were fetuses ( i know i spelled that wrong.)
I love to take pictures for this one simple reason: to capture in essence the beauty of the moment. i cannot tell you how many good pictures i have which chronicle the past two years. and that reminds me. tommorrow, i have officially hung out with clay, denver, josh, and all of them for two stinken years. so i'm in a good mood.
what am i going to do tommorrow? well i think i am going to do homework, and eat pancakes and bacon (I LOVE TO COOK!), and then go to the lusko casa for monica's birthday. then i will proceed to meet kelli at the local starbucks and drink a huge coffee and hang out and be discipled by one of my favorite people in the world. then onto church where i get to hang out at my awesome youth group and worship and learn more about the savior of my soul. So yeah, it is jammed packed but looking exciting. i can't wait.
later-
sarah

unto the king eternal, imortal, invisible

Not the best of my poems, but it's how i feel.

Supplications brought before You,
Requests made to the one true God,
In the stillness of the night,
Or with the rising of the sun.
Known by the King eternal,
The Lord immortal,
Unto the God invisible,
A God who knows our words before we speak,
Yet still delights to hear them.
Would you delight to hear my cries?
My worries and fears in the early hours?
To break the silence and trouble your heart?
For I know that my God is one who grants grace and mercy
Continuous, and constant,
Enough to stand in spite of the pain.
He is alive in the stillness and quiet minutes of the night,
Working through me in my pain.
Who is like my God?
Taking a desolate creature and loving them everlasting?
-Sarah

I'm gonna choose to trust

guess what? i'm happy right now. i'm consumed with Him. and i'm mad at people right now. really mad but i have a part in it. not the whole part, come on each person contributes something to a problem. and yes, i do need to go to them and get it straightened out. but i will let god give me the words. it makes me unhappy that they are mad at me but god is a jealous god and when i commit a lot of my time to other things like dealing with this, he is unhappy and has to whack me up the side of the head and say 'sarah i love you! more than anyone ever could! and you can't change anything i am doing by worrying or being unhappy. i can put you out of your misery if you would let me be the only lover of your soul.' he is teaching me how amazing he is, and how insignificant i am. oh, i keep having this terrible feeling but 'jesus, you are the savior of my soul. and forever and ever i'll give my praises to you.'
August evenings Bring solemn warnings To remember to kiss the ones you love goodnight You never know what temporal days may bring So laugh, love, live free and sing When life is in dischord Praise ye the lord
later,
sarah

bowling ball

you need that boy like a bowling ball dropped on your head, which means not at all.
i think its great when we have times to step back and look at our relationships. i had the opportunity this weekend to challenge a girl in my youth group to look what a relationship was doing to her relationship with Christ. did she hear everything i said? probably not, i think she was still in shock, but it was kind of back on me in a sense. i had the opportunity to be like 'yeah, i want to be the girl that guy wants. when the time is right and god's hand is on it.' but i know i just won't magically be her. i have certain things that i need to formulate in my own life before i can be that girl. so i made a list of the different qualities that i am looking for in a guy, and then placed them on myself. well, i have a ways to go.
Integrity- he has to be honest about everything. with others and me.
Deep, Growing relationship with Christ-if he is not growing and is not solidly based, how can he be expected to lead our family? how can he be expected to draw me close to God?
Love Him more than anything-will he place Christ before me? if i love Jesus more than anything, i will be able to deeply love my spouse.
Same Priorities-if his priorities are out of place how will he somehow magically get them together? do we agree on the important issues that will define our relationship and life?
Parental Relationships-do they get along? how does he treat them? i will be the closest person in his life, they are now. he will treat me like he treats them.
Friends-who are they? what do they show about who he is? and how he acts when i'm not around?
its a question we must all ask
until later,
sarah

no regrets

this is how the story goes. so my teacher is somewhat unhappy with me, and so i am in a crappy mood thus, i was joking with my aunt that i should start to plan my funeral. well i did and it was actually pretty funny. i was telling her who got what when i die. like rachel and hannah get my bottle caps, shealeen gets my pink relient k shirt and her scrapbooks, josh gets all of my scrapbook stuff for if he ever decides to actually sit down and scrapbook, kristen gets to take anything she wants, clay gets lucy the hacky sack and of course emery-the question, after my clothes lose my scent, take them to mexico, give all of my cds to kristen or kirsi, let the boys divide all of my photos among themselves, divvy out the boxes underneath my bed to each rightful person, kristen gets all of my books, and i think my parents should have everyone sign my hi-tops at my funeral. donate all of my stuff to mexico, have bob church do my funeral, donovan and molly have to sing, (come on these are my last wishes!), marianna gets my dog, and you know, while i want some adults to give ulogies, mostly let my friends, come on, they probably knew me better and have lots more to say. in essence, if i were to die today, my aunt would be able to tell everyone what i needed to say to them. but i really think i have said that to a lot of them. maybe not all of the time. but hey, i die with NO FEARS, NO REGRETS. i'm in christ, i have nothing to fear. you can do anything to my body, but you can't touch my soul, its in the loving hands of god.
until later,
sarah