.decisions.

.Decisions.

.What should I be when I grow up?.

.Who will I be?.

.What should I wear?.

.Should I like him?.
.Should I do that?.

And most importantly right now...

.Where do I go to school?.

I really wanted to ditch the highschool route and just fast forward. But now I'm not so sure. My aunt has suggested that if I transfer to Sandia for freshman and sophmore year, I could pass my PSAT with a high score and get on the National Merit Society list and that if I keep up my grades, become involved with model UN, Senate, and mock trial, that I could really do well and that many colleges would want to give me scholarships, full rides even. Everyone seems to believe it but this one person pictured below. I seem to be good enough for everyone but this one person. And really, they are the only person that matters.

The killer is me. I'll never be good enough for me. People have said that I have an in-your-face kind of confidence because I know what I want and when I want it. But the thing is, they don't know me. They know this worked up version of me. But I'm not even sure its a version I created or if it was created for me. Everyone I know has this illusion that I could get a full ride to the college of my choice. Like I'm this brilliant kid who has so much potential and so much to live for. I hate to break it to the world, but I'm not. There is no way I will get a scholarship to the college of my choice. I won't get into Columbia or Harvard or NYU or Reed. I've figured that out, I'm just waiting for everyone else to. I need someone to understand that its empty. I need someone to notice. I need someone to validate me. But I'm not expecting anyone to. I set high standards for nothing except myself so when they fail it doesn't hurt as bad. I only have myself to be dissapointed in. And that is a comfortable playing field because it means no one has to know. Because if they know they will try to understand. And trying to understand is like trying to make something defective work properly. It just doesn't happen unless you try really hard...and I don't think even I'm up for that fight.